That Damned Rabbit

Published April 16, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Why hello there; Happy Easter.

easter-eggs

This day normally for me is hard to deal with. My grand mother ( father’s mother ) pasted away on Easter. I miss her laugh and the way she would tease me about how she had no butt or thighs and I had more than enough to share.

When you have physical limitations and mental illness the holidays in general can be a nightmare….  For me this year I am not plagued with so much depression as I have been in the past but I’m still sad… Every Easter I have the same inner dialogue with myself …. Why didn’t I fight harder to keep that damn rabbit …..

My Grand Mother made me this fluffy pink and white stuffed rabbit, who was extremely cherished by me  and as I grew older I always promised myself that this would be the one childhood keepsake that I held on to. My parents , not so much. We moved at some point growing up and my rabbit went “missing”.

After grandma H. died that’s the only thing I thought about, that damned rabbit.

It’s funny how your mind locks on to something and plays it on a loop in your head.

So this rabbit becomes this dialogue that starts with why didn’t I pack it myself and branches off to …. how in the actual fuck does a rabbit symbolize the resurrection of a  deity and why would a rabbit give us eggs and candy? Why not carrots and lettuce? Wouldn’t a chicken be a better symbol since we get eggs?

So this naturally leads me to look it up … EVERY YEAR …. like, why the hell can I never remember the reason for a rabbit and eggs …. and then it’s back to why the hell didn’t I just keep my rabbit ….

(getting a picture of how the brain of a person with mental illness works?)

This year I think I over did myself with preparations for Easter. I made homemade sofrito ( a condiment used in spanish cooking – has herbs and peppers and onions – really yummy) , I made a pernil ( pork picnic shoulder) , and food shopped …. this wiped me out and so today I sit here with no energy , tons of pain, and sadness about that damned rabbit… I need a hobby I think (haaa haaa)

Any way I hope you all have a  happy and safe holiday and that you have good health and tons of energy. Until next time – thanks for peeking in on this spoonies makeup bag and save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

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The Snow Globe Effect

Published April 13, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.

So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.

Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.

My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.

For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok,  that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.

I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.

As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and  more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.

It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life  causes those who love you most.

My brain finally had enough,  everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.

I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me.  It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)

As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.

As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.

I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok,  the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.

 

Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

A Million Elephants On My Back

Published March 29, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

It’s been a while. I’m trying to work through things but sometimes one’s pain (both mental and physical) does get in the way.

With that being said,  I’d like to first start this post by saying I am sorry for being away so long. I am sorry for making promises to put out better content and to add more “beauty” related content for you and than falling short of that promise.

Believe me when I say that the idea that I write about a topic that someone takes the time to read  (and occasionally comment on) it is such a humbling thing; a thing that I never take for granted and do very much appreciate you , the reader… 

And so it is time to address, what to me, feels like a million elephants on my back (yes I know the saying is  monkeys but lets face it …. with what I need to say …. to me , the weight is best related to elephants. )

I have blogged about being sad , my ever growing list of medications,  and the loneliness that one with fibromyalgia goes through. What I haven’t spoken about openly is my struggle with clinical depression, my new journey with bipolar-ism, and how it feels to be trapped on the outside of a snow globe with the whole world on the inside. 

I had many issues (who doesn’t right?)

I had a bad thing happen to me , which changed me forever… the strain of this cause me to have PTSD , anxiety disorder and panic disorder… this didn’t happen over night, these symptoms piled on top of each other and when my best friend committed suicide ( 4 years ago) the strain of that cause my brain to snap further … enter the wonderful world of living with clinical depression and bipolar-ism.

this post is already longer than I had intended – this was intended to be just a catch up post – in my next few posts I’ll go into more detail of what life is like with each of these symptoms….

Thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and until next time, remember …. always save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

Fibro Flares and No More Bad Hair

Published February 20, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll hey!!!! Sorry been away so long. It’s been a hell of a ride these past months.  I’ve had a super bad fibro flair ( for all my non spoonies out there a fibro flair is when our symptoms act up so bad that we end up having to rest  until the pain and fatigue ends)   and a hard time with my depression medications.  I also changed my look a bit …Thanks to the lovely staff at The Color Bar with the amazing job they did. They made me feel welcomed and made me laugh so much.

17-02-19-21-39-41-347_deco

A special THANKS to VICTORIA  for this fabulous new look! 

I’m hoping things have settled down finally.  It’s been so long since I last blogged that I am not even sure if I mentioned that my clinical depression has a new friend…. I have now been classified as having bi-polar disorder, so new meds have been prescribed for me.

I’ve felt like a lab rat the past few months as the psychiatrist has tried me on several meds to see which one would be the best fit, so far so good for the newest one.

My mind seems to have settled down some , I am not feeling like my mind is at warp speed as much.

I still have heaps of muscle and joint pain, but that will be a constant friend as I walk with fibromyalgia.

Well that’s it for my  update …. I hope to be able to do a few makeup reviews for you shortly.

Thank’s for taking the time to peak in on this spoonie’s makeup bag, and remember …. save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

 

Bioderma….A Heavenly Bottle of Spa Time…..

Published November 23, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hello spoonie dolls and dish darlings…. Hope all is well with you this evening (or morning if you happen to be in the part of the world where the sun is out and shining).

So about 2 months ago I made an order on Beautilish  and was sent a sample of Bioderma for both sensitive skin and combo skin. I decided I wanted to try it out to find out what all the noise was about.  So glad I did!!!

How darn cute are these sample packets!??

Normally I hold off on telling anyone about a new product I’ve used or in this case an old  product that is new to me. I also never review a product that I haven’t tried out for a few months at least …. hence the reason I only have  1 product reviewed. (2 if you count my review on the Ikea Alex Desk I got a few weeks ago).

I was sitting at my desk a few weeks back writting  out some ideas and lists for things I want to buy to do reviews on and remembered that my makeup had been on all day… 

So tired, makeup lasted a good 12 hours …. lipstick is a victim of a bowl of mint chocolate chip…

so I started to get up to go wash off my face and the samples fell off my desk …. was that fate interceding?                                     (All signs point to yes… )

So I took to plunge and I gotta say, damn the French sure know their skin care! I am extremely in love with both formulas .

Did really good… had to rub a bit harder on the eye do to a glitter eyeline… review coming soon on that one too

I will be giving this review in comparison to the Garnier Micellar Water  (I have been using the Garnier one ever since it was released to the U.S. and have also worked with both formulas of this product as well.

Bioderma comes in 3 formulas (for dry, combo, and sensitive skin) and comes  in 3 sizes. (100, 250, & 500 ml) (3.4 , 8.5, & 16.9 oz) and sells for $6.90 to $16.90 through Beautilish . The Garnier version only comes in 2 formulas (all skin types and waterproof) and only comes in 2 sizes (100 & 400 ml) (3.4 and 13.5 oz)  and sells for $3.50 (for the smaller one) and $6.25 to  $8.99 and can be found at most drug stores, Walmart, Target, and Ulta.

The Bioderma brand has this light almost cucumber like scent to it where as the Garnier brand has ,at least to me, an almost polymer type smell to it…. I really do not enjoy the scent of the Garnier one.

Both brands tote claims that they are a no rinse dirt and makeup remover that gently removes product without stripping the skin of moisture.

With the Garnier cleanser I always had to rinse my face, didn’t matter which one I used I always had this sticky residue left over once the micellar water dried and  and always burns my eyes  with Bioderma I didn’t have any residue at all. It left my face feeling refreshed. It felt almost like a face tonic spray  I use to make with cucumber rose and mint. Very light, softly scented, and so calming and I tested it on my waterline – does not sting at all.

With the Bioderma I only needed 1 large cotton rounds as a posed to the Garnier one where I tend to use an average of 6 large cotton rounds. This is in part due to the fact that I use a full coverage foundation (normally) and it does take a second pass to break through all that coverage.

This is where to comparison ends …Lets talk about the 1 thing that is a CON for the Bioderma brand.

When I use the Garnier cleanser I always use witch hazel as a toner to remove the residual remover so I decided to use the witch hazel as a toner only.   When I did this , I did have some makeup still come off … now this could be because it was a small sample sized amount and so I may have needed the cotton pad to be soaked a bit more than I was able to the first time through. Either way I am ok with having to use the witch hazel since I use it as a toner before my moisture routine anyway.

 

Left is the cotton round that was used with the witch hazel, on the right is the Bioderma cotton pad

All in all Bioderma is a sold choice. It’s a bit more expensive but so worth every penny. It’s like a heavenly bottle of spa time…. and I can’t wait to finish off my bottle of Gernier so I can start buying Bioderma.

Well thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeup bag, and remember spoonie darlings … reserve a spoon for a bit of lipgloss.

 

Face of the Day

Published November 15, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll. Hope your day was smooth, pain free (errr… as close to pain free as any spoonie can have) and that you had plenty of spoons to make it through the day.

I have been taking a new dose of my depression medication and it seems to be working for me .  I  have had the energy ( both physically and mentally) to wear a full beat face 4 out of 7 days the past few weeks. (excluding the days at the first of the month when I was still off m muscle relaxers)

So I thought it was damn time that I share a face of the day with you. Remember even when you are having a bad spoonie day, just the littlest of things like a bit of blush, a smear of lip gloss  and mascara could help keep you feeling less depressed , feeling human on the days were , as a spoonie we feel left out or just unaccomplished.

Remember it’s the small things that can make a big difference in how we feel on low days. Even just a spritz of our favorite scent can help.

No flash in Natural Light.

Why yes… that is a face demon… thanks for pointing that out. (😣) ….Wink wink nudge nudge…..
On the eyes:

Urban Decay Naked Ultimate Basics  ($54)

To set my primer ( I just use whatever concealer I am am using that day) I used PREGAME.

On my transition I chose NUDE  and also on the high plain of the transition area I chose a mix of NUDE & COMMANDO.

High crease I used INSTINCT Low crease I used TEMPTED.

Outer V area I used LETHAL ( I also used in on my lower lash line ).

Urban Decay Naked Smoky  ($54)

2/3 of my lid I used DIRTY SWEET (also used it on the lower middle and lower waterline) .

Inner Corner Highlight I used HIGH .

Urban Decay Naked Skin Color Correcting Fluid ($28) in Peach .

NYX Gotcha Covered Concealer  ($5.99) in Medium Olive .

Physicians Formula 2-in-1 Lash Boosting Eyeliner + Serum ($8.60)  in ULTRA BLACK.

It Cosmetics Hello Lashes 5-in-1 Mascara ($24) in the color blackest black for lower lashes and Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara ($23) in Carbon Black  for upper lashes .

On the Brows :

Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Duo ($23) in Dark Brown and NYX Micro Brow Pencil ( $9.99) in Espresso .

On the Face:

Too Faced Born This Way Foundation ($39) in Nude and also Natural Beige .

Milani The Multitasker Face Powder ($6.99) in #05 TAN .

Contour I used The Balm Cosmetics Bahama Mama ($20) .

I used IT Cosmetics Vitality Face Disk  (now called Your Most Beautiful You Anti Aging Face Palette  ($38) For my Highlight (Live) Blush (Love) and Bronzer (Laugh) .

On The Lips: 

NYX Suede Matte Lip Pencil ($4.00) in the color ALABAMA to contour and line my lips and Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in the color MASOCHIST ($18) .

 

WOW! When I put all this on I didn’t realize just how much stuff I had on my face (wink wink).

 

Well … Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup

bag … Until next time I hope the daylight receives you with less pain than the night before, more spoons than ever , and remember to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss 💋💜💋

 

 

 

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