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All posts for the month August, 2015

To Push the Clouds Away

Published August 18, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

It’s been awhile since I last blogged. Honestly I have been going through a very rough patch with my depression. This week marked the 4 year anniversary of my best friend’s suicide, something I do not feel I will ever be able to heal from and something that I will blog about sometime (if I’m ever really able to bring myself to). I lost my beloved fur babies this week. I have suffered the worst cluster headaches to date, and I am finding living with my mother in law to be a difficult this to do ( however shortly, very shortly in fact we will be moving to the Florida O.C. which excites me so much.)

Since my last post I have been back and forth to Orlando to visit my friend who I have mentioned in previous posts, I have been dealing with level 10 pains , I have been trying to handle life when all I really want to do is curl into a ball and never deal with the world again.

Through this bought of depression I still forced myself to break out my makeup and Crayola my face to the heavens. For me, this is my form of meditation when the world is too much to bear. I’ve been known to have a full beat face on and still break out my makeup, wash off my face, and reapply my face if I am having a particularly bad anxiety day. Which reminds me , I will be doing a few reviews of some of the newest members of my beauty family soon as well as some posts about my face of the days.  ( you are welcome to follow me on Instagram at DaZombi3Fari3 for the most up to date face of the days)

Today I was having a not really wanting to deal with anything or anybody type day ( i pretty much have been having this type of day for the better part of 2 months now, my own little fibro groundhog’s day hell). Not even painting my face seemed to make things OK for me today. That however changed when I received an email and Instagram post from one of my top 10 favorite YouTubers  by the name of  DivaMakeupQueen.  See, I had entered a giveaway on her channel ( one that I had forgotten I participated in) to win an Urban Decay Smokey Eyeshadow Palette and today I received this beautiful little post on my Instagram …

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Sometimes we just need a small little blessing to motivate us to deal with the world. This was today’s little blessing. (for me and my hubby since this was one of the palettes I asked him to buy me for my birthday and well now it’s 1 less thing he will have to hunt down.)    I know it’s a shallow thing to be grateful for but today it was the thing I needed to push the clouds away.

well , I just really wanted to pop in to say a quick hello, and give you a quick update on the mad ramblings of a makeup obsessed spoonie.   and before I close I wanted to share with you a meme my niece tagged me in on Facebook today. It was one that resonated so to the point with me.

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Chilling isn’t it – that if only others could see what we feel.

Well that’s it for now spoonie darlings, Thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and until next time remember to save a spoon for a little lip gloss.

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Grey Skies and Rainy Times

Published August 5, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Today I find myself feeling fustrated. It’s been a little over 2 years that I have relapsed… 2 years.

I really can’t even remember what it was like to have my own money, to be able to just hop in the car and head out for a little retail theropy.

I know that sound shallow, really I am not meaning to be. It’s just that… well I guess I just have always worked, have always had a paycheck. I never needed to depend on anyone for anything and now I can’t even buy a pack of gum on my own…. that’s true frustration.

I’ve been a fibromyalgia suffer for the better part of 6 years and in the beginning I was able to work but now there arent very many good day and I think that is where my depression starts to kick in. When you are stuck in bed for as long as I have been you loose you self worth. You forget that you are valid. When you have to depend on anyone else you start to feel useless.

My husband does a damn good job at making sure I never need for anything, it would just be nice to one day be able to say I purchased this, or hey babe let ME take you on a date.

There use to be a time when I could look into my closet and say I spent way too much on clothes and ask myself why in earth I had so many purple tops.

Now when I look into my closet all I find is a reminder that I am not a productive member of society anymore. I also am reminded that my fashion sense has gone right out the window.

You see, when you live the life of a spoonie you for go trendy for comfort. I use to own 20 pairs of jeans, Now I own nothing but sweat pants and pj bottoms. I use to own so many cute tops and sweaters but now I own tank tops and cardigans.

Someone with fibromyalgia has to be careful of what they wear. We have hyper sensitive areas on our bodies that when touched or constricted sends our bodies into blinding pain…. so those skinny jeans we use to love are now off limits. Hell, most of the time I wear just a tank top and pj shorts just to try and easy my discomfort.

So here I am fustrated because I want to go shopping, and I am (just a little bit…if my energy allows me to) but it just isn’t the same when you have to defer the bill to someone else to pay. Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited to be getting a new eyeshadow pallet I am dying for, it’s just that when I would snag the hot new makeup item when I was making my own money there was this sense of accomplishment, now there is excitement but it’s no longer MY accomplishment.

I know that as a married couple my husband and I accomplish life together but I watch as he works so much harder than he should have to just to be able to make sure I am able to have some play money. That is so heart aching for me.

During the holidays and his birthday it’s nice that I have money to gift him things and he is truly grateful for the gifts he recieves, however isn’t it really just him buying his own present? After all it is his paycheck that affords me the ability to get him a gift in the first place.

Being a spoonie that is faced with being confined to your home, you find that you get fustrated about many thing, not just financial issues.

Take for instance not being able take a trip out for the day spontaneously. Living with fibromyalgia means having to plan outings with as much advanced notice as possible.

I have to make sure I rest so that I don’t over do myself, I have to make sure I don’t forget to take all my medication on time so as to avoid weakening myself to pain beyond what my brain has deemed will be my daily allotted amount. I have to make sure that the only pair of jeans I own (why own more than 1 pair if I am really never leaving the house anyway) isn’t going to be pressing in on any of my tender points. I have to make sure I am careful of what I eat for the week to ensure I am not nauseous when I am out of the house.

I am fustrated also because I have been so weak and in so much pain this week and it feels as if I will never have a good day again, that I will always be this weak and in this much pain but than I remmeber that only 17 months ago this was me…

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Just 17 months ago I was so weak that I couldn’t even sit up. There was so much pain that I couldn’t even breath without wanting to scream. Just a little over a year and a half ago I couldn’t take a bath on my own, I couldn’t change my clothes on my own… and fast forward to the present and here I am blogging. Here I am  upright (granted it’s not for long periods of time, but it’s a start) and able to shower on my own (normally using a shower chair). I am even able to wear makeup on more than just a few days or less.

Granted, most of the days that I am wearing makeup I am still in a tanktop and pj bottems, and instead of applying my makeup at my vanity I almost always have to apply it from bed, I am STILL able to wear makeup… an almost on the daily.

I guess what started out as a pitty party today has taught me that my life should be a celebration of those small steps I keep talking about.

To all my wonderful spoonies out there , those little steps might seem like a drop in the bucket, and we may not be able to work and make a dollar, but look at us now. Those little steps are little reminders that it wont always be grey skies and rainy times. Just because you are house bound and may be fighting the government for assistance (because hey you look healthy or your symptoms aren’t life threatening to the powers that be) it’s ok to accept help from those who love you most.

To all you beautiful dishes out there, remember even when we  forget to tell you how amazing your support has been, we always feel it. 

Well, that’s all for now… my body is screaming for me to go take a rest,

Until next time hang in there spoonie darlings, it won’t always be fustrating.

Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and don’t forget to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

A Strength Not Even Teflon Can Claim

Published August 4, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

This post actually reminded me just how strong I am on the inside. I wrote it on a day when all I wanted was to crumble, to give in… but I got through it. This post  also reminded me what I wanted to accomplish with this blog…. it reminded me that there is always tomorrow to begin again… Hope you enjoy.

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Today has been pure and utter hell. I am still waiting for my Dr’s office to call in and correct an error on my prescription for Cymbalta.

I have now been 6 days without this medication and am starting to feel the side effects of a cold withdrawal.

I have never had this experience before and now have a Cathartic respect for anyone who has ever kicked an addiction.

The pain is horrific, the dizziness never comes in waves like when one has the flu or food poisoning, it is just ever-present.

Foods I love have a nasty taste right now, and my sense of smell is going to be the death of me. I hate anything that once smelled like heaven and it would appear that my nose has gained  a super power. I can smell things that never bothered me before, things like dirt in my rose bushes and baby powder that I use to sooth my fur babies itches.

Lets talk itches while the topic is fresh …. I feel like my enter body is trying to destroy me. I itch all the time. I have tried changing my body wash, soaking in an oatmeal bath, switching to a viscous body lotion, swapping out our laundry detergent and fabric softener to baby friendly versions and nothing helps. My skin is raw from me scratching non stop and this only serves to irritate my poor skin more.

Noise physically hurts. I feel like a crazy woman, I swear I can hear the earth rotate on it’s axis. As a person with Fibromyalgia, I know that these symptoms are nothing new but damn if they don’t feel some how amplified.

On day 2 I was reduced to tears most of the day and by day 5 I was ready to take a curtain call, but then I realized I am not the only person out there suffering from a case of the spoonies, and how can I ever wish to ease life for my fellow spoonies if I don’t pull myself up and fight my way out of my depression and not let this little issue sway me to do something stupid.

I guess what I mean is your pain is real, all of our pain is real, and the struggles will pass. There will come a time when it will get better. Hold on spoonie darlings, there will be a day when you will rise above you invisible attacker.

We can hope for cures and hope for awareness, but let us never forget to revel in our small steps taken and our small achievement, those are the stepping-stones to our greater selves, our happier selves.

Rise spoonie darlings, like the Phoenix’s I know you all are. Why? Damn it because we are spoonie strong …. that’s a strength not even Teflon can claim.

Nite for now my spoonie family. May the dawn present you with smiles, happiness, and baskets of spoons.

Untill next time, thanks for peeking in on   this spoonie’s makeup bag and as alway remember – save a spoon for lip gloss.

And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon

Published August 3, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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* Previously published on my tumbler account. *

This disease is so heart breaking, to be ill for the rest of my life makes me so angry, so hopeless.

Try to imagine being in pain everyday… having no energy… having to choose wisely what you do, knowing that whatever you chose will define the course of the rest of  your day.

I am trapped in this body, no matter how hard I fight to remain normal, ordinary mundane tasks will always be huge feats for me.

Imagine for just one moment what it is like to wakeup, even after a full nights sleep, and not even have the energy to fix a morning meal, to have to  pray that today will be the day that you brush your teeth and still have the energy to brush your hair, shower, and paint your face.

Put yourself in my footsteps where every step taken there is pain, where you feel humiliation because there are days you can not bath yourself, where you die a little inside as your spouse baths you, where something as simple as shampooing your hair can leave you in pain and fatigued, where knowing the person you ounce use to be  is gone forever.

This is my world now. A world where a simple trip food shopping could leave you bed ridden for the week.

I havent given myself a pedicure in a month, I also have only left my bed in a socially interactive situation 1 time in the past 6 months and I have been sidelined ever since that day. It was well worth it but still crippling.

Imagine having so many people around who called and texted and hung out with you, and now when you need their support most they have turned away from you.. after all it can be annoying to hear someone say they can’t hang out because they are having a bad day.

Now imagine pain… pain on a scale where a level 5 can give you peace. Imagine working your whole life and suddenly not being able to.

Imagine  humbling yourself to the governmental system to ask for assistance… to ask for the money they took from your pay  (everyday since you first held a job) back and  having the system tell you… you are not sick enough.

Congratulations you now know what it means to be spoonie strong.

Some days it is easier to handle and some days your hope is crushed.

You are left with a choice… roll over and give up or stand your ground and fight.

I refuse to give up, will you refuse to understand?

We are not our illnesses but sometimes we need your understanding. Every spoonie needs it’s dish….. Hey diddle diddle…..

Well thats all for now. Thanks for peeking into this spoonie’s makeup bag. To all my fellow spoonie darlings stay strong and spoonie on and remember always reserve a spoon for lip gloss.

Captin’s Log … Star Date: Ummm

Published August 3, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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I’ve been having a rough time since starting my blog. I have had severe cluster headaches, loss of feeling in my hands and feet, and well all that entails with being a fibromyalgia suffer.

I have been looking through my posts  from my tumbler account and came across a few of my posts that sum up how I have been feeling the past few days.

When you have been at a constant level 10 for a week it starts to chip away at your “go get’um” spirit.

Truth be told, I haven’t felt like dealing with the world. I haven’t wanted to do anything but scream and cry and smash a few dishes…. thankfully my loving husband has been with me through this depression episode.

I will post a few of my older blog posts to help me get over my cloudy attitude. I have had the worst fibro fog ever and trying to keep my thoughts coherent has been hell.

Sorry about the pitty party, I promise to be back soon with new thoughts and a few makeup related posts as soon as I am able to string what I mean to say together.

Much love, and remember spoonie darlings, we all have those days where we just can’t deal… but there is always tomorrow for something better.

Thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag until next time, as always … hold on to a spoon for a little lip gloss.

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