Finally I See the Darn Bread Crumbs



It’s been so long since my last blog post … do I even remember how to blog anymore?

There was so much I wanted to accomplish with this blog and yet I seemed to have just drifted away from it.

In the time I was away I lost my medical insurance, chopped my hair off, gained a God baby, lost 50 pounds, moved to Orlando permanently, found a church I adore, was enrolled in new medical insurance (where I was able to get better coverage with less out of pocket costs), found out my depression was worse than I thought it was, and quit smoking.

I have since been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The doctor put me on new medication, Paxil to be exact.

The first few weeks of being on Paxil were terrible. All I did the whole time was sleep. I truly did not think I would ever get any of my life back. One day, seemingly out of no where, I wasn’t effected as bad anymore. The medication still makes me sleepy, and more often than not I end up needing a nap to help, but I am at least able to try a cope with the day. I still feel depressed and I still have panic attacks; I just don’t have as many attacks and I am able to talk again.


At the height of my walk with this new development there was a point where I didn’t talk. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t. My sadness was so bad, panic so strong, and thoughts so dark that I couldn’t make words form. In part this was because my mental pain and panic was too deep that there wasn’t a word for it and in part it was that my thoughts were so dark I was afraid I would be Baker Acted. I felt if I just kept it deep inside I would somehow get through this and no one needed to know, except the real live truth was….. EVERYONE knew. I would here “Hey are you ok?” at least 5 times a day, to which I would respond with my cookie cutter go to responses. … “yeah, I’m just tired” …. “yeah, I’m just in a lot of pain” …. “yeah, I just feel nauseous  “.

Most of the time that was where the conversation ended but the dialogue in my head kept on …. “why do you even care” …. “what are you blind? no I’m not” …. “what does it matter I’m a waste of space anyway?” ….. “No you dumb ass , I’m not now stop asking stupid questions” …  “No, I ‘m pissed that I woke up today, is it too much to ask to die in my sleep?” … “Hell no, but you can help me if you could end my life for me” and so on and so forth. There was also the internal battle with myself that went something like …”you are so pathetic, you should throw yourself off the bridge and end everyone else’s misery”.

I can’t say that I feel any differently most days, but I’m able to talk again. I get up and take a shower as often as my fibromyalgia will allow me to. I brush my teeth everyday again. I smile more than I did, and on most days those smiles are genuine.  I still feel like I’m an outsider in my life, and there are times I even feel like life is a dream or even that I am observing my life from the outside and that it’s not really me living it, and I can’t say why …. that’s just how it is.   I am still incredibly sad and feel so lost but at least I can see it now, and at times I can even talk it through with my husband and try to deal with it.

I still feel hopeless, but I also have hope … the hope that one day I will be able to crawl out of this dark hole and feel happy again…. hope that I may even have a day or two with no pain, more energy, less isolation.

The sad thing is many spoonies deal with depression on some level and never receive help they need to deal with it.  Sometimes just simply telling someone that has an invisible illness that you are here for them or that you want to understand how they feel is enough to give them some hope, other times it may take for you to say that there seems to be a change in their mood. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have changed, we only know that we are sad, that we feel dark and it takes for someone to tell us to even begin to understand that we are.  That’s what happened with me I guess. I went to this deep, dark, scary place and I needed someone to help me find my way back. I may not be out of the dark woods yet, but at least I can finally see the darn bread crumbs.

Well thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and remember spoonie darlings …. try and Untitled