Hey doll hey! How’s your day/night going? Great I hope. Today I am not doing so well. I am in a world of pain, did not sleep well at all last night because I was up with pain most of the night, and I have absolutely zero energy.
Sometimes my walk with fibromyalgia leaves me feeling defeated. This is how I feel today. Very much like I’ll never be normal again.
All of my muscles are killing me …. it feels like I had a high impact leg and arm day at the gym on the same day and then got hit by a bus coming out of the gym.
My joints in my hands and the knees are so sore and making it very unable to do simple things such as hold my coffee cup and brush my teeth, not to mention walking hurt like a 1,000 knives being stabbed into them.
The fatigue I am feeling isn’t like a normal, didn’t get enough rest, fatigue. It’s like having a 103 fever, sick with mono, and haven’t slept in 3 days fatigue.
It’s days like this that leave me feeling angry at the world and angry at the traumas of my past that cause my brain to snap and create this damn illness.
I know I’ll never be rid of this illness (not unless they are able to come up with #1 a way to detect fibromyalgia, #2 a cure for fibromyalgia, and #3 a real defined reason that fibromyalgia suffers have contracted it) but it would be nice to just have 1 day …. just ONE that would be pain free (not low pain like most of my days are … I’m never without pain …. everyday (24 hours….1140 minutes …. 86,400 seconds of pain EVERYDAY)…. It’s just some days the pain intensity is much lower and I’m able to do things.
On day’s like today the pain is so intense that I really should check into hospital and get a pain infusion and Myers Cocktail (it’s a vitamin therapy treatment which enhances immune system, reduces fatigue, helps with seasonal allergies, reduces symptoms of fibromyalgia and asthma and contains magnesium chloride, calcium gluconate, thiamine, vitamin B6, vitamin B12, calcium pantothenate, vitamin B complex, vitamin C, and dilute hydro- chloric acid.) but I don’t because let’s face it the treatments are very fleeting and then I’m left with the side effects of cotton mouth and a nasty little head ache… not to mention an astronomical hospital bill.
So all I can do is keep bundled up with a warm cozy blanket, try not to move too much, and remind myself to breath until the pain levels come down some. For the fatigue all I can do is fight the need for sleep (since sleeping in the day only leads to more pain and the less likelihood of being able to fall asleep tonight) and limit my activities to the bare necessities: a simple shower… no washing of or fixing up my hair… no makeup for me… brush my teeth… fix my mother and myself something for breakfast…. probably skipping lunch to store up what little energy I can for to fix dinner…. and since I’m in pain it will be a laying down day for me.
It’s very hard to deal with on days like today but the part that crushes me the most is the isolation I feel on days like today, not that I’m very social these days because of Covid -19 (since I have an auto-immune illness I have to stay away from the world to keep myself healthy), but on days like today I realize just how much I have to do that I can’t do because I’m in a horrible flare.
I always try to remind my fellow spoonies to save a bit of energy for themselves … to be able to do something for themselves everyday to just give them a bit of spirit boost … it’s so important not to loose ourselves in the service of our loved ones because of these auto-immune diseases…. but we also have to know when to surrender to the illness so as to not cause our illnesses to progress further.
It’s just that on days like today it feels like I’ve thrown in the towel, like I’ve rolled over and given up, like I’ve laid down and surrendered for good.
I pride myself on always being able to do for myself… but on days like today there is NO way I can…. and unfortunately, ever since hubby’s hours changed, there is no one that I can rely on. I feel defeated today.
Well dolls. I’m sorry to write such a Debbie Downer post… I’m just so frustrated and so over whelmed that there is just no way for me to put a happy spin on today.
I’m grateful for my speech to text software because at least I’m able to still blog for the day … but I have this amazing makeup look I really wanted to do today and new products that arrived today that I really want to dive into … and I have to table table it until this flare ends.
Well, that’s all for now dolls … hopefully I’ll be better by tomorrow, in the meantime I hope and pray that you have a great rest of your day/night and that you are in good spirits and health.
Remember dolls … it’s OK to not have any spoons for the day … but on the days where you have some spoons …. remember to save one for a bit of lipstick.