My New Normal

Hey doll hey! How’s your day/night going? Great I hope. I’m felling heaps better today. I’m having a normal pain day (my normal level is a 5) and my energy is ok today. The best part is there is no more panic or anxiety right now. Thank Goodness!

My psychiatrist put me on Ativan and I’ve been on it for 2 days now. It’s been quite an adjustment. Wednesday it was hard to function. I felt foggy headed and had trouble with my balance so I kept bumping into things. I felt very groggy and had a hard time focusing on more than 1 thing at a time… I also felt hyper focused on whatever I was doing … blocking out everything around me.

Today was a bit harder for me. I woke up very fuzzy headed and unable to really concentrate on anything. I had a Rheumatology appointment today, they had to ultra sound my hands to check the joints. I felt horrible because I kept drifting off making it hard for the tech to get clean images. I kept apologizing and the tech kept saying not to feel bad that my body will eventually adjust to the Ativan and I’ll be able to function better when it does.

I got home still feeling spaced out but I still tried to conduct the day as normal….and failed miserably. Hubby ended up telling me just to take the day to coast through and allow the meds to adjust in my system.

I laid down on the couch and watched tv… this was at 9 AM… I ended up drifting off right away and unfortunately did not wake up until 5:30 PM. That’s 8 hours of sleep 😨!!

Hubby and I agreed that we will never leave the house without a kiss and a hug and acknowledging that one of us is stepping away (you never know what can happen outside and we never want to feel like we could have giving a hug and a kiss and a goodbye before something terrible happens, even though it doesn’t happen we are content with this, we would feel terrible if it did happen… thus began our tradition of always saying goodbye). Well today he kissed me 4 times and I didn’t wake up. so he left me a text says he loves me and have a good day. When he got to work he texted me to tell me he got there safely (this again is part of our tradition of making sure we know we are fine) and I didn’t wake up so he called me to try and wake me… 5 times and I didn’t hear my very loud ringtone … I slept till 5:30 PM… 8 full hours… but I woke clear headed and feeling no anxiety or panic.

Around maybe 11 AM I woke up because I had vomited and I was laying on my back so I was choking. I think I up chucked everything I’ve eaten all week. Hubby helped clean me off and than sent me to lay down on the sofa, reminding my not to lay on my back and then I slept for the rest of the time.

I’ve taken my second dose of the Ativan and I don’t feel as zoned out as I did when I took it this morning. I do feel a little foggy headed but I’m able to think and able to concentrate.

I got up cooked supper for my Mom and Hubby, downed about 3 cups of water (this new med makes me have cotton mouth) and made a batch of banana nut muffins for tomorrow’s breakfast.

The best part of this is, it is now night time and I am not feeling any panic or anxiety, I don’t have all the lights in the house on out of fear, and I am not feeling terror of the night anymore.

I am starting to feel human again and that makes me feel hopeful.

I do feel a hint of fog but nothing as bad as Wednesday or this morning. I’m able to talk and form thoughts and I’m able to walk without bumping into anything.

I know that this maybe my new normal but I still feel foolish at having to have physic meds in the first place. It really makes me feel like I’m weak for not being able to handle the things that have happened to me. But I also know that this feeling isn’t good and that I am not stupid or weak for not being able to deal with the bad things that happened to me, that mind has formed a block and enabled the fight or flight in my mind to help me cope with the feeling of shame and pain and agony that I have for what was done to me and I should not feel weak because I have PTSD… It just means that my mind (and body) took as much as it could take and then set up a way for me to get through the day.

See dolls, we are not less than everyone else just because we have PTSD, Panic disorder, Anxiety, or any other mental health issue. If anything we are STRONGER… because we have lived through something horrible, painful, ugly and have come out of it and have pushed thought it and we are still standing. That’s a great feat to accomplish.

I use to keep my head lowered down, never looking anyone in the face and always feeling shame…. then I learned to not be ashamed of my mental health issues. There is not reason to feel that way because I’m not less than, I’m just a girl with a very dark past that hurt and that girl crawled though the darkness and came out stronger than she was before crawling thorough.

I wish I was able to write about that dark period in my life but it was so bad that every time I try to talk about it I start to shut down…. It’s been over 30 years since the rape and I can’t even tough on it in therapy. I’m able to talk about the physicals, mental and sexual abuse I suffered at that hands of a man who claimed to love me, I’m able to talk about the mind games, verbal and physical abuse of another man who also claimed to love me. I able to talk about attempting suicide and the fact that a guy, now husband, sat with me the whole night and kept me aware of the world… he literally saved my life. He taught me so much and literally help build my confidence back up. He helped me be able to not fear everything around me, he helped give me strength…. these are all the things I can talk about, but what happened to me while I was a you teen, that I can’t even tough…. I wish I could, because talking about it would help bring me closure … but I didn’t have the support I needed then and even though I do now that incident is just too painful and too horrible to speak about.

I know that ounce I’m able to speak about that night I’ll be able to finely heal, it’s just too much, to intense, too ugly for me to go into that I just shut down anytime I try to talk about it. So my mind has created PTSD as a way to help me not deal with it… it’s rough but it is what it is … there is nothing I can do other than go through therapy and hope one day I’ll be able to start to deal with it.

I’ve written this post as a way of saying hey … I’m broken but that doesn’t make me less of a human than any other human. I’ve got mental health issues but that doesn’t make me less capable than any non mental health person. Those of us with metal issues are still human… we just need a little extra TLC and support… that doesn’t make up less than… it just makes up stronger and more able to understand others pain… yes we are timid or more introverted … but that doesn’t make us anything other than more compassionate.

I guess I’ve written this post as a way to have transparency, to show that I have issues just like you and I have picked myself up and working hard to get though it.

Well… thanks for listening … I really don’t have much more I could say other than if you are having a hard time… stay strong doll… you will get through this… and if you need a shoulder to lean on I’m here for you … drop me a line either here or on Instagram my Instagram is AspooninesMakeupbag . Just click on the hyper link and it will take you to my page. I post blog stuff and real world stuff on there but mainly if you drop my a message I’ll be here for you.

Well dolls… thanks again for listening… I hope you enjoy the rest of your day/night and that you are in good spirits and health.

Remember, Save a spoon for a little lipstick

XOXO, Nita