Depression

All posts in the Depression category

The Snow Globe Effect

Published April 13, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.

So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.

Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.

My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.

For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok,  that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.

I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.

As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and  more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.

It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life  causes those who love you most.

My brain finally had enough,  everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.

I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me.  It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)

As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.

As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.

I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok,  the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.

 

Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

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A Million Elephants On My Back

Published March 29, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

It’s been a while. I’m trying to work through things but sometimes one’s pain (both mental and physical) does get in the way.

With that being said,  I’d like to first start this post by saying I am sorry for being away so long. I am sorry for making promises to put out better content and to add more “beauty” related content for you and than falling short of that promise.

Believe me when I say that the idea that I write about a topic that someone takes the time to read  (and occasionally comment on) it is such a humbling thing; a thing that I never take for granted and do very much appreciate you , the reader… 

And so it is time to address, what to me, feels like a million elephants on my back (yes I know the saying is  monkeys but lets face it …. with what I need to say …. to me , the weight is best related to elephants. )

I have blogged about being sad , my ever growing list of medications,  and the loneliness that one with fibromyalgia goes through. What I haven’t spoken about openly is my struggle with clinical depression, my new journey with bipolar-ism, and how it feels to be trapped on the outside of a snow globe with the whole world on the inside. 

I had many issues (who doesn’t right?)

I had a bad thing happen to me , which changed me forever… the strain of this cause me to have PTSD , anxiety disorder and panic disorder… this didn’t happen over night, these symptoms piled on top of each other and when my best friend committed suicide ( 4 years ago) the strain of that cause my brain to snap further … enter the wonderful world of living with clinical depression and bipolar-ism.

this post is already longer than I had intended – this was intended to be just a catch up post – in my next few posts I’ll go into more detail of what life is like with each of these symptoms….

Thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and until next time, remember …. always save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

Face of the Day

Published November 15, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll. Hope your day was smooth, pain free (errr… as close to pain free as any spoonie can have) and that you had plenty of spoons to make it through the day.

I have been taking a new dose of my depression medication and it seems to be working for me .  I  have had the energy ( both physically and mentally) to wear a full beat face 4 out of 7 days the past few weeks. (excluding the days at the first of the month when I was still off m muscle relaxers)

So I thought it was damn time that I share a face of the day with you. Remember even when you are having a bad spoonie day, just the littlest of things like a bit of blush, a smear of lip gloss  and mascara could help keep you feeling less depressed , feeling human on the days were , as a spoonie we feel left out or just unaccomplished.

Remember it’s the small things that can make a big difference in how we feel on low days. Even just a spritz of our favorite scent can help.

No flash in Natural Light.

Why yes… that is a face demon… thanks for pointing that out. (😣) ….Wink wink nudge nudge…..
On the eyes:

Urban Decay Naked Ultimate Basics  ($54)

To set my primer ( I just use whatever concealer I am am using that day) I used PREGAME.

On my transition I chose NUDE  and also on the high plain of the transition area I chose a mix of NUDE & COMMANDO.

High crease I used INSTINCT Low crease I used TEMPTED.

Outer V area I used LETHAL ( I also used in on my lower lash line ).

Urban Decay Naked Smoky  ($54)

2/3 of my lid I used DIRTY SWEET (also used it on the lower middle and lower waterline) .

Inner Corner Highlight I used HIGH .

Urban Decay Naked Skin Color Correcting Fluid ($28) in Peach .

NYX Gotcha Covered Concealer  ($5.99) in Medium Olive .

Physicians Formula 2-in-1 Lash Boosting Eyeliner + Serum ($8.60)  in ULTRA BLACK.

It Cosmetics Hello Lashes 5-in-1 Mascara ($24) in the color blackest black for lower lashes and Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara ($23) in Carbon Black  for upper lashes .

On the Brows :

Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Duo ($23) in Dark Brown and NYX Micro Brow Pencil ( $9.99) in Espresso .

On the Face:

Too Faced Born This Way Foundation ($39) in Nude and also Natural Beige .

Milani The Multitasker Face Powder ($6.99) in #05 TAN .

Contour I used The Balm Cosmetics Bahama Mama ($20) .

I used IT Cosmetics Vitality Face Disk  (now called Your Most Beautiful You Anti Aging Face Palette  ($38) For my Highlight (Live) Blush (Love) and Bronzer (Laugh) .

On The Lips: 

NYX Suede Matte Lip Pencil ($4.00) in the color ALABAMA to contour and line my lips and Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in the color MASOCHIST ($18) .

 

WOW! When I put all this on I didn’t realize just how much stuff I had on my face (wink wink).

 

Well … Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup

bag … Until next time I hope the daylight receives you with less pain than the night before, more spoons than ever , and remember to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss 💋💜💋

 

 

 

I’ve Had Up’s and Down’s ; But …

Published November 14, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Why hello there doll!!! Sorry I’ve been away so long. It’s been one hell after another since we last talked.

I’ve been to see my rheumaatologist who took me off my muscle relaxers because he says he feels as though they are pointless as they do not help with fibromyalgia.

I spent almost 3 weeks in such pain it literally took my breath from me at times. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and most importantly I was unable to even interact with my family. I spent most of my time crying, lying on the floor, or chain smoking because of the pain.

Around about the last part of the 2nd week I had enough of doing it the doctors way and , after talking with my husband about it, decided to start taking my muscle relaxers again.

Needless to say, I am feeling so much better now. ( about 2 days after starting my muscle relaxers again.)

The thing I have learned through this walk as a spoonie is this … doctor’s do not always know what is the best thing for you. Not every fibro patient will respond to the same course of treatment and when something is working for you it’s important to stand your ground and say I’m sticking with it.

I so wish I would have stood my ground this past month.

I have been taken off my anxiety meds and that has kept me house bound more than I would like and once again I have put myself back on my anxiety meds and will have a long talk with my shrink about this.

I’ve had ups and downs with my pain levels , energy, and mental health ; but I am still here … I am still fighting … and I am still hoping to be a beacon for other spoonies out there and of course a place for understand for those not in the spoonie circle.

I know it’s hard to understand what we go through, and I hope to continue giving you insight to those of us with autoimmune illnesses.

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be bringing you those  long promised makeup posts soon, and some makeup reviews.

Thank you for taking the time to take a peek into this spoonie’s makeup bag and as always – remember spoonie darlings , save a spoon for a bit of lipgloss.  xox

Finally I See the Darn Bread Crumbs

Published February 24, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

 

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It’s been so long since my last blog post … do I even remember how to blog anymore?

There was so much I wanted to accomplish with this blog and yet I seemed to have just drifted away from it.

In the time I was away I lost my medical insurance, chopped my hair off, gained a God baby, lost 50 pounds, moved to Orlando permanently, found a church I adore, was enrolled in new medical insurance (where I was able to get better coverage with less out of pocket costs), found out my depression was worse than I thought it was, and quit smoking.

I have since been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The doctor put me on new medication, Paxil to be exact.

The first few weeks of being on Paxil were terrible. All I did the whole time was sleep. I truly did not think I would ever get any of my life back. One day, seemingly out of no where, I wasn’t effected as bad anymore. The medication still makes me sleepy, and more often than not I end up needing a nap to help, but I am at least able to try a cope with the day. I still feel depressed and I still have panic attacks; I just don’t have as many attacks and I am able to talk again.

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At the height of my walk with this new development there was a point where I didn’t talk. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t. My sadness was so bad, panic so strong, and thoughts so dark that I couldn’t make words form. In part this was because my mental pain and panic was too deep that there wasn’t a word for it and in part it was that my thoughts were so dark I was afraid I would be Baker Acted. I felt if I just kept it deep inside I would somehow get through this and no one needed to know, except the real live truth was….. EVERYONE knew. I would here “Hey are you ok?” at least 5 times a day, to which I would respond with my cookie cutter go to responses. … “yeah, I’m just tired” …. “yeah, I’m just in a lot of pain” …. “yeah, I just feel nauseous  “.

Most of the time that was where the conversation ended but the dialogue in my head kept on …. “why do you even care” …. “what are you blind? no I’m not” …. “what does it matter I’m a waste of space anyway?” ….. “No you dumb ass , I’m not now stop asking stupid questions” …  “No, I ‘m pissed that I woke up today, is it too much to ask to die in my sleep?” … “Hell no, but you can help me if you could end my life for me” and so on and so forth. There was also the internal battle with myself that went something like …”you are so pathetic, you should throw yourself off the bridge and end everyone else’s misery”.

I can’t say that I feel any differently most days, but I’m able to talk again. I get up and take a shower as often as my fibromyalgia will allow me to. I brush my teeth everyday again. I smile more than I did, and on most days those smiles are genuine.  I still feel like I’m an outsider in my life, and there are times I even feel like life is a dream or even that I am observing my life from the outside and that it’s not really me living it, and I can’t say why …. that’s just how it is.   I am still incredibly sad and feel so lost but at least I can see it now, and at times I can even talk it through with my husband and try to deal with it.

I still feel hopeless, but I also have hope … the hope that one day I will be able to crawl out of this dark hole and feel happy again…. hope that I may even have a day or two with no pain, more energy, less isolation.

The sad thing is many spoonies deal with depression on some level and never receive help they need to deal with it.  Sometimes just simply telling someone that has an invisible illness that you are here for them or that you want to understand how they feel is enough to give them some hope, other times it may take for you to say that there seems to be a change in their mood. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have changed, we only know that we are sad, that we feel dark and it takes for someone to tell us to even begin to understand that we are.  That’s what happened with me I guess. I went to this deep, dark, scary place and I needed someone to help me find my way back. I may not be out of the dark woods yet, but at least I can finally see the darn bread crumbs.

Well thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and remember spoonie darlings …. try and Untitled

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bright Side of the Rainbow

Published October 15, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Sorry to have been away so long. I was dealing with a huge bout of anxiety and depression. I am not 100% yet, but I’m trying.

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Today I fully expetcted to wake up feeling heaps of pain and fatigue since I accomplished so much yesterday.

Yesterday I was able to to get out of bed, clean the bathroom, and my  bedroom, do the wash, make dinner ( steak and oven fries) and still have enough energy to dig out my makeup and get my face Crayola fabulous.

            PRODUCTS USED :

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Eyes:
Nyx Cosmetics MicroBrow in brunette with Anastasia Beverlyhills Dipbrow in Dark Brown Lorac Cosmetics Pro2 in the colors … Buff, Nectar, Lt Brown, Cool Gray, Black, Plum, Cocoa, Jade, Snow, and Rose
Nyx Cosmetics Love in Rio Moonlit Skinny Dip… I used the darkest brown color Wet n Wild Beauty  Mega Plump Mascara
The lashes I used are a no name brand I purchased from Wish
Face:
Hard Candy Glam oflauge invisible camouflage foundation in fair
Maybelline FitMe concealers in #15 fair, #20 sand, and #25 medium Loreal ParisTrue Match Super Blendable powder in N5 true beige Too Faced Cosmetics Chocolate Solelie Bronzer in medium deep Milani Cosmetics Baked Powder Blush in #05 Luminoso, Revlon Photo Ready SkinLights Face Illuminator in #100 Bare Light Becca Cosmetics Shimmering Skin Perfector Pressed in Champagne Pop
Lips:
Milani Cosmetics Color Statement lipstick in #43 Pretty Natural paired with Rimmle London’s Exaggerate Full Colour Lip Liner in #063 East End Snob

I was exhausted after and spent most of the rest of the night in bed watching Flash, catching up on Fear the Walking Dead and binge watching Heroes,  but it was so worth it. I had an incredible sense of accomplishment.

Yesterday was the first day in well over 8 months (of the past 2 years of my fibro flare) that I was able to do more than just shower and paint my face.

It’s the first time in 8 months that I was able to make a meal for my husband. So if I was  completely annihilated after the full day that I had, it was so worth it.

Surprisingly, Today I dont feel as bad as I thought I would.

Yes I have pain, but it’s a level 7. This means I was at least able to sit up and enjoy some tv time with my hubby and play with my God baby today. I did feel wiped out but not half as bad as I thought I would be.

I could have felt sorry for myself because I couldn’t go swimming like I had planned to do today or even go to the park with my God baby, but the truth is with this walk with Fibromyalgia tomorrow is never promised, hell an hour from now is never promised, so celebrate those little moments… it’s the little accomplishments that we should thrive on and not drown ourselves with the things we weren’t able to get to.

I couldn’t do very much today but I was able to get a full beat face going today, I was able to catch up on shows hubby and I like to watch together, and I was able to spend some much needed time with the God baby. So today was pretty damn amazing.

       PRODUCTS USED:

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Face:
Urban Decay Cosmetics  Pore Perfecting Complexion Primer Potion, Maybelline FitMe Dewy+Smooth Foundation in #130 Buff Beige and FitMe Concealers in #15 Fair, #20 Sand, #25 Medium Loreal Paris True Match Super Blendable Power in n5 true beige Too Faced Cosmetics Chocolate Soleil Medium Dark Bronzer
Cheeks:
Tarte Cosmetics  24 Hour Amazonian Clay Blush in Fearless,
Revlon Photoready Skinlights Face Illuminator in #100 Bare Light, Becca Cosmetics Shimmering Skin Perfector Pressed in Champagne Pop
Eyes:
Lorac Cosmetics Pro 2 in the colors … Buff, Lt Brown, Nectar, Plum, and Rose and I used White from Pro1 I also used the Revlon Photoready Skinlights on the mobile lid under Rose. KATVOND BEAUTY Tattoo Liner in Tooper, Urban Decayc Cosmetics 24/7 Glide on Eye Pencil in Vice, and Rimmel London Exaggerate Water Proof Eye Definer in #261 Noir Anastasia Beverlyhills Dipbrow Pomade in Dark Brown and Nyxc Cosmetics  MicroBrow in Brunette
Lips:
Jordana Cosmetics Easyliner for Lips in the color Cabernet
Milanic Cosmetics  Color Statement Lipstick in #71 Matte Flirty
Lashes:  Cuci Yours #628 ( I purchased through an app called Wish)

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I hope everyone has had an amazing day.

Remember life can be hard when we walk the road of invisible illnesses, just dont forget to take a breather , look around you, and enjoy the world around you.  On bad days take a moment to just let the sun kiss your face, read a book, or even pop in your ear buds and listen to something soothing – perhaps a little soundscape ocean music. This battle is tough, but you are tougher … more than you ever could know. Focus on the bright side of the rainbow, not the rain … I promise it wont be forever, there are good days a head.

The goal is to just enjoy and focus on the beauty around us.

My wish is that the day greets you with love & kindness &  that, for all my spoonie darlings out there, your energy level is comfortable and your pain levels are low.

Thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeupbag and remember always reserve a spoon for a bit of lipgloss

To Push the Clouds Away

Published August 18, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

It’s been awhile since I last blogged. Honestly I have been going through a very rough patch with my depression. This week marked the 4 year anniversary of my best friend’s suicide, something I do not feel I will ever be able to heal from and something that I will blog about sometime (if I’m ever really able to bring myself to). I lost my beloved fur babies this week. I have suffered the worst cluster headaches to date, and I am finding living with my mother in law to be a difficult this to do ( however shortly, very shortly in fact we will be moving to the Florida O.C. which excites me so much.)

Since my last post I have been back and forth to Orlando to visit my friend who I have mentioned in previous posts, I have been dealing with level 10 pains , I have been trying to handle life when all I really want to do is curl into a ball and never deal with the world again.

Through this bought of depression I still forced myself to break out my makeup and Crayola my face to the heavens. For me, this is my form of meditation when the world is too much to bear. I’ve been known to have a full beat face on and still break out my makeup, wash off my face, and reapply my face if I am having a particularly bad anxiety day. Which reminds me , I will be doing a few reviews of some of the newest members of my beauty family soon as well as some posts about my face of the days.  ( you are welcome to follow me on Instagram at DaZombi3Fari3 for the most up to date face of the days)

Today I was having a not really wanting to deal with anything or anybody type day ( i pretty much have been having this type of day for the better part of 2 months now, my own little fibro groundhog’s day hell). Not even painting my face seemed to make things OK for me today. That however changed when I received an email and Instagram post from one of my top 10 favorite YouTubers  by the name of  DivaMakeupQueen.  See, I had entered a giveaway on her channel ( one that I had forgotten I participated in) to win an Urban Decay Smokey Eyeshadow Palette and today I received this beautiful little post on my Instagram …

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Sometimes we just need a small little blessing to motivate us to deal with the world. This was today’s little blessing. (for me and my hubby since this was one of the palettes I asked him to buy me for my birthday and well now it’s 1 less thing he will have to hunt down.)    I know it’s a shallow thing to be grateful for but today it was the thing I needed to push the clouds away.

well , I just really wanted to pop in to say a quick hello, and give you a quick update on the mad ramblings of a makeup obsessed spoonie.   and before I close I wanted to share with you a meme my niece tagged me in on Facebook today. It was one that resonated so to the point with me.

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Chilling isn’t it – that if only others could see what we feel.

Well that’s it for now spoonie darlings, Thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and until next time remember to save a spoon for a little lip gloss.

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