Depression

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Why I Say Save a Spoon For a Bit of Lipstick

Published March 22, 2020 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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Hey doll hey!!! How’s your day/night going?? Great I hope.

I have a lot of people ask me why I always say “Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick”. The reason I say this is that as a spoonie over the years I hadn’t always left spoons for self care. I would spend all my spoons, or energy for those of you who don’t know what that means. We who suffer from autoimmune illnesses call ourselves spoonies…. why you ask? Because we identify with an article by a fellow spoonie named Christine Miserandino who wrote an article entitled Spoon Theory where she explained to her friend who wanted to know what it was like to deal with an autoimmune illness. She used spoons in her explanation to symbolize the amount of energy someone with autoimmune illnesses has when they start their day and how each little thing we do takes away from this spoon supply.

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Well for many years I would waste all my spoons before I got to doing anything for myself and this caused me to suffer horrible depression and caused me to have very low self esteem. After a few years of always feeling horrible about myself I realized the things I loved doing such as home spa days, painting my nails, playing in my makeup, getting dressed in actual clothes (I would take a shower and than immediately pop myself into a fresh pair of pajamas), and simply just wearing some perfume (I thought why bother I’m stuck in the house because of this stupid illness and why waste perfume on myself when I’m only staring at the same 4 damn walls). I finally remembered that I have value and I have the right to pamper myself even if I’m only going to be resting or just being around the house. So I started to limit myself to the things I do in a day. Instead of getting up and cleaning the full house everyday (yes I use to dust and mop and vacuum and the wash, and rearrange the whole house everyday on top of all of my normal responsibilities such as cooking and dishes). I started taking some of the energy and poured it into self care… I would take my shower and then do something for myself such as my hair (instead of just pushing a brush through my hair and pulling it into a bun) or giving myself a pedicure or spending time doing a face mask…. slowly this morphed into me wanting to do more beauty related things for my blog …. this led to me doing my makeup every day which in turn helped with my depression …. when you look put together, you just feel better. This led me to  want to dress up more, instead of just living in pjs or a pair of my husband’s sweatpants.

I conclude every post with the tag line “Remember… Save a spoon for a little lipstick” as a way to remind my fellow spoonies to save time and energy for themselves.

This is so important for all spoonies to do. We tend to put the needs of everyone else before ourselves… we then get lost in all the daily coming and goings and before you know it we are a bit sadder, a bit more frustrated, a bit more hopeless….. this effects our self esteem and our mental health.

Now I’m not saying applying lipstick will instantly get rid of our depression and boost our self esteem… but it starts to help… just taking a few minutes and a spoon or two out of our days to get do something as simple as giving ourselves a face mask treatment or giving ourselves a new hair style or just simply popping on some makeup starts to make us feel happier and more put together…. this can lead to not wanting to wear pjs or sweats all day …. it starts to boost your self confidence and in turn improves your mood.

Now, this wont be a “first time you try it you’ll be all better” type approach to better mental health…. this is a “taking time out for me, because I’m worth it” type approach.

See when I first got sick …. I was down all the time. I felt useless and as if I was a burden. I couldn’t even shower on my own … my husband had to help me shower because I was so weak and in so much pain that just getting into the tub was a huge feat. By the time I was done soaping my body up and had no energy left to wash my hair.

On day hubby came home with a shower chair and said we were going to do this together…. he would hop in the shower with me…. help me lather up and whilst I was sitting on the shower chair he would take the responsibility to wash my hair. I still only wore buns for most of the time… except for on moderately good days where I could do my hair and makeup…. even though it took a long time to do the makeup portion of my day…. with tons of starts and stops.

I would get so frustrated because I would cook dinner and not have enough energy to do the dishes.. or get to the wash… or even make my bed (on the good days where I was able to get out of bed).

I started to get depressed because I hadn’t the spoons to visit friends or go to a movie, or even go out for dinner. We had Disney season passes … and I had no energy to even attempt to go to the happiest place on earth. I started to beat myself up because I no longer could tackle all of the house work in 1 go.

I never liked going out because I hadn’t the energy to put myself together … I hated leaving the house in pjs or sweats and hated that I always wore my hair in a bun with no makeup…. makeup was always a big part of my soul …. I am seriously passionate about makeup …. it’s my favorite hobby.

As time went on I started to adjust to the medications and treatments for Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis and was able to do more… but I still wasn’t able to get to do things for myself …. this is when I realized I had to figuratively die to my old life and begin to accept and improve my new life as a spoonie.

This is when I took time to see just how much I could do before my spoons were gone and learned to adjust life so that there was enough spoons for both myself and my household.

I learned it’s ok to do the wash and not fold it or put it away until the next day (although there are some times that when I do the wash I end up in a flair and have to put off putting the clothes away for a few day …. and I have learned over the years that this is OK… it’s OK to need to rest …. allow yourself to rest …. you deserve to rest). I learned that I could ask for help with the cooking and washing up afterward. I also learned to take short cuts … such as purchasing paper plates and cups and disposable utensils to make washing up quicker and easier for me. I learned to accept that it’s OK to serve left overs the next day if I am having a spoon shortage. I learned that it’s OK to dust biweekly instead of everyday … I learned it’s OK to wash my hair every 2 to 3 days instead of everyday …. in fact my hair has never been better …. apparently forgoing washing my hair for a few days (even though I still brush it and put it together nicely) actually leaves my hair softer and easier to manage.

I still longed for my old life but set out to find life hacks to help me get back to as close to my old life as I could.

One of those things was implementing more self care  things into my daily routine.

I started to do the wash weekly instead of daily…. vacuuming weekly instead of daily …. I learned that I could make my bed daily without having to furnish the bed with all the extra decorative pillows and duvets , that just simply fixing up the bed with the bed sheets and cover where OK. I learned that not every meal has to be a 4 course extravaganza … that just a simple steak and mash potatoes was good enough. That dessert didn’t have to be homemade every night….. dessert could be a weekend adventure and that I didn’t need to make it from scratch if I didn’t have the extra spoons for it. I learned that if I needed to soak the pots and pans (since we now were using paper plates and cups and disposable utensils) for the night …. this was OK ….

I  simply learned to let go of my super structured life and just relax into the new life of needing to watch my spoon count for the day ….

Before I knew it I had extra spoons that I could use for my own self worth. I was able to take time to do hair styles for myself … take time to sit down and play in my makeup and feel good about that ….. before I knew it I was waiting to wear outfits instead of PJs (even thought there are still days where I just don’t have the spoon count to get dressed up … and that still is OK …. I allow myself the bummy days when I need them). I was wanting to take the time to sit down a blog more … I found myself feeling confident again, happy again, more put together again.

This is the reason I tag line each post with “Remember save a spoon for a bit of lipstick”. It’s to remind my fellow spoonies to save some energy for something for themselves …. To save a spoon to do something for their own well being … not just whatever one else needs. To take the time to practice self care …. even if it’s just a simple pedicure or manicure …. it’s 1 thing out of all the things you do that is simply just for you …. you DESERVE to do something for yourself too. I chose to do my makeup for myself because it makes me happy and I love playing around with looks …. that’s the thing I choose to save my special spoon for …. so even if you don’t like makeup save a special spoon for YOURSELF….. or are just starting out with makeup use that special spoon to practice and hone your makeup skills ….. it could be anything …. you could use that spoon to crochet or knit …. to do a puzzle or read a book …. you could use it to shave your legs or color your hair …. use that special spoon to go for coffee with a friend or go see a movie, or pop into the mall for a bit of retail therapy….the possibilities are endless … the important take away is that you save a special spoon for an activity that is just for you …. So when I use my tag line …. I am in no way trying to down play that we have limited energy as an autoimmune person … I’m simply reminding you to save some of that energy to treat yourself well.

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Well…. that’s all for this post dolls…. I hope an pray you are having a good day/night …. that you are low in pain and are in good spirits….

Remember dolls …. Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick.

XOXO

 

My Skin Care Routine

Published December 2, 2019 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hello beautiful! As promised here is my skin care routine.

With depression I have let my skin care fall to the way side and my skin suffered horribly because of it. It has taken a lot of tlc to get my skin happy again… tons of face masks, homemade avocado face treatments, steam treatments, and lots of face oils to get my skin back to normal. Depression has a way of making everything seem too impossible to do, thank goodness the clouds have cleared and I am able to once again take care of me.

Here is my routine …..

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I start by splashing my face with warm water and then I cleanse my face with Bioderma, yes I know it’s billed as a makeup remover but it is a cleanser so I use it as both. (I have learned that washing my face everyday with a face cleanser tends to stripe my face too much, so I only use face cleanser 3 times a week and I do the cleansing at night so that my face cream can replenish my skin.) When I use this as a makeup remover at night I make sure I get all the makeup off and then go back at my face with a clean cotton pad doused in Bioderma (I make sure the cotton pad is soaked so that my skin will be soaked completely).

Next while my skin is still wet I use my No7 Youthful Eye Serum ($24.40 at Walmart and Ulta for .5 fluid ounces)  and Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Serum ($29.99 at Ulta for 1 fluid ounce) — for the face. I know they are a bit pricey but they are so worth this price tag. I like pea sized dot is all you need for the eye serum and I draw a thin line on my  cheeks, forehead, and chin of the face serum. I then let the serums soak into to the skin while I  get ready for either bed or I get ready for the day. These serums are so hydrating. I feel like it really plumps up the undereye and my forehead lines.

 

I use to skip this next step because the eye and face serums are so moisturizing that I don’t even feel like I need extra moisturizer. I once again use a pea sized amount of Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Eye Cream ($21.99 At Ulta for .5 fluid ounces) and 1 finger swipe is all you need of Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Day Cream (24.99 at Ulta for 1.7 fluid ounces). I know this is a DAY cream but I couldn’t find the night cream so I use this product and night too… when I’m done with it I plan on purchasing both DAY and NIGHT creams. I love both these products so much. They aren’t sticky or greasy and sink beautifully into the skin. After I apply this I will normally brush my teeth and hair and if it’s night I take my medications and if it’s day I will brush my teeth and hair and then I pick out what makeup I’m going to wear for the day. By then my skin is feeling amazing (on days that I don’t wear makeup I will normally just add a tiny bit of BECCA Backlight Priming Filter even thought the glow is perfect with just the skin products used.)

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Lastly I hydrate my lips …. My lips during my set back with my depression suffered horribly. They were chapped, cracked, and shedding. O’Keeffe’s Lip Repair (4.49 at Amazon for .15 ounces) brought my lips back to life! This is the only lip balm I will use. I’ve been using it for about 4 months now and my lips have never looked better. (I will be doing a review of the full line in my next post.)

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Well this is my skin care routine. I hope you enjoyed this post and hope that you are having a spoon filled day…. Ta ta for now loves and as always save a spoon for a bit of makeup.

XOXO

The Snow Globe Effect

Published April 13, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.

So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.

Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.

My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.

For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok,  that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.

I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.

As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and  more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.

It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life  causes those who love you most.

My brain finally had enough,  everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.

I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me.  It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)

As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.

As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.

I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok,  the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.

 

Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

A Million Elephants On My Back

Published March 29, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

It’s been a while. I’m trying to work through things but sometimes one’s pain (both mental and physical) does get in the way.

With that being said,  I’d like to first start this post by saying I am sorry for being away so long. I am sorry for making promises to put out better content and to add more “beauty” related content for you and than falling short of that promise.

Believe me when I say that the idea that I write about a topic that someone takes the time to read  (and occasionally comment on) it is such a humbling thing; a thing that I never take for granted and do very much appreciate you , the reader… 

And so it is time to address, what to me, feels like a million elephants on my back (yes I know the saying is  monkeys but lets face it …. with what I need to say …. to me , the weight is best related to elephants. )

I have blogged about being sad , my ever growing list of medications,  and the loneliness that one with fibromyalgia goes through. What I haven’t spoken about openly is my struggle with clinical depression, my new journey with bipolar-ism, and how it feels to be trapped on the outside of a snow globe with the whole world on the inside. 

I had many issues (who doesn’t right?)

I had a bad thing happen to me , which changed me forever… the strain of this cause me to have PTSD , anxiety disorder and panic disorder… this didn’t happen over night, these symptoms piled on top of each other and when my best friend committed suicide ( 4 years ago) the strain of that cause my brain to snap further … enter the wonderful world of living with clinical depression and bipolar-ism.

this post is already longer than I had intended – this was intended to be just a catch up post – in my next few posts I’ll go into more detail of what life is like with each of these symptoms….

Thanks for peeking in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and until next time, remember …. always save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

Face of the Day

Published November 15, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll. Hope your day was smooth, pain free (errr… as close to pain free as any spoonie can have) and that you had plenty of spoons to make it through the day.

I have been taking a new dose of my depression medication and it seems to be working for me .  I  have had the energy ( both physically and mentally) to wear a full beat face 4 out of 7 days the past few weeks. (excluding the days at the first of the month when I was still off m muscle relaxers)

So I thought it was damn time that I share a face of the day with you. Remember even when you are having a bad spoonie day, just the littlest of things like a bit of blush, a smear of lip gloss  and mascara could help keep you feeling less depressed , feeling human on the days were , as a spoonie we feel left out or just unaccomplished.

Remember it’s the small things that can make a big difference in how we feel on low days. Even just a spritz of our favorite scent can help.

No flash in Natural Light.

Why yes… that is a face demon… thanks for pointing that out. (😣) ….Wink wink nudge nudge…..
On the eyes:

Urban Decay Naked Ultimate Basics  ($54)

To set my primer ( I just use whatever concealer I am am using that day) I used PREGAME.

On my transition I chose NUDE  and also on the high plain of the transition area I chose a mix of NUDE & COMMANDO.

High crease I used INSTINCT Low crease I used TEMPTED.

Outer V area I used LETHAL ( I also used in on my lower lash line ).

Urban Decay Naked Smoky  ($54)

2/3 of my lid I used DIRTY SWEET (also used it on the lower middle and lower waterline) .

Inner Corner Highlight I used HIGH .

Urban Decay Naked Skin Color Correcting Fluid ($28) in Peach .

NYX Gotcha Covered Concealer  ($5.99) in Medium Olive .

Physicians Formula 2-in-1 Lash Boosting Eyeliner + Serum ($8.60)  in ULTRA BLACK.

It Cosmetics Hello Lashes 5-in-1 Mascara ($24) in the color blackest black for lower lashes and Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara ($23) in Carbon Black  for upper lashes .

On the Brows :

Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Duo ($23) in Dark Brown and NYX Micro Brow Pencil ( $9.99) in Espresso .

On the Face:

Too Faced Born This Way Foundation ($39) in Nude and also Natural Beige .

Milani The Multitasker Face Powder ($6.99) in #05 TAN .

Contour I used The Balm Cosmetics Bahama Mama ($20) .

I used IT Cosmetics Vitality Face Disk  (now called Your Most Beautiful You Anti Aging Face Palette  ($38) For my Highlight (Live) Blush (Love) and Bronzer (Laugh) .

On The Lips: 

NYX Suede Matte Lip Pencil ($4.00) in the color ALABAMA to contour and line my lips and Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in the color MASOCHIST ($18) .

 

WOW! When I put all this on I didn’t realize just how much stuff I had on my face (wink wink).

 

Well … Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup

bag … Until next time I hope the daylight receives you with less pain than the night before, more spoons than ever , and remember to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss 💋💜💋

 

 

 

I’ve Had Up’s and Down’s ; But …

Published November 14, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Why hello there doll!!! Sorry I’ve been away so long. It’s been one hell after another since we last talked.

I’ve been to see my rheumaatologist who took me off my muscle relaxers because he says he feels as though they are pointless as they do not help with fibromyalgia.

I spent almost 3 weeks in such pain it literally took my breath from me at times. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and most importantly I was unable to even interact with my family. I spent most of my time crying, lying on the floor, or chain smoking because of the pain.

Around about the last part of the 2nd week I had enough of doing it the doctors way and , after talking with my husband about it, decided to start taking my muscle relaxers again.

Needless to say, I am feeling so much better now. ( about 2 days after starting my muscle relaxers again.)

The thing I have learned through this walk as a spoonie is this … doctor’s do not always know what is the best thing for you. Not every fibro patient will respond to the same course of treatment and when something is working for you it’s important to stand your ground and say I’m sticking with it.

I so wish I would have stood my ground this past month.

I have been taken off my anxiety meds and that has kept me house bound more than I would like and once again I have put myself back on my anxiety meds and will have a long talk with my shrink about this.

I’ve had ups and downs with my pain levels , energy, and mental health ; but I am still here … I am still fighting … and I am still hoping to be a beacon for other spoonies out there and of course a place for understand for those not in the spoonie circle.

I know it’s hard to understand what we go through, and I hope to continue giving you insight to those of us with autoimmune illnesses.

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be bringing you those  long promised makeup posts soon, and some makeup reviews.

Thank you for taking the time to take a peek into this spoonie’s makeup bag and as always – remember spoonie darlings , save a spoon for a bit of lipgloss.  xox

Finally I See the Darn Bread Crumbs

Published February 24, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

 

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It’s been so long since my last blog post … do I even remember how to blog anymore?

There was so much I wanted to accomplish with this blog and yet I seemed to have just drifted away from it.

In the time I was away I lost my medical insurance, chopped my hair off, gained a God baby, lost 50 pounds, moved to Orlando permanently, found a church I adore, was enrolled in new medical insurance (where I was able to get better coverage with less out of pocket costs), found out my depression was worse than I thought it was, and quit smoking.

I have since been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The doctor put me on new medication, Paxil to be exact.

The first few weeks of being on Paxil were terrible. All I did the whole time was sleep. I truly did not think I would ever get any of my life back. One day, seemingly out of no where, I wasn’t effected as bad anymore. The medication still makes me sleepy, and more often than not I end up needing a nap to help, but I am at least able to try a cope with the day. I still feel depressed and I still have panic attacks; I just don’t have as many attacks and I am able to talk again.

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At the height of my walk with this new development there was a point where I didn’t talk. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t. My sadness was so bad, panic so strong, and thoughts so dark that I couldn’t make words form. In part this was because my mental pain and panic was too deep that there wasn’t a word for it and in part it was that my thoughts were so dark I was afraid I would be Baker Acted. I felt if I just kept it deep inside I would somehow get through this and no one needed to know, except the real live truth was….. EVERYONE knew. I would here “Hey are you ok?” at least 5 times a day, to which I would respond with my cookie cutter go to responses. … “yeah, I’m just tired” …. “yeah, I’m just in a lot of pain” …. “yeah, I just feel nauseous  “.

Most of the time that was where the conversation ended but the dialogue in my head kept on …. “why do you even care” …. “what are you blind? no I’m not” …. “what does it matter I’m a waste of space anyway?” ….. “No you dumb ass , I’m not now stop asking stupid questions” …  “No, I ‘m pissed that I woke up today, is it too much to ask to die in my sleep?” … “Hell no, but you can help me if you could end my life for me” and so on and so forth. There was also the internal battle with myself that went something like …”you are so pathetic, you should throw yourself off the bridge and end everyone else’s misery”.

I can’t say that I feel any differently most days, but I’m able to talk again. I get up and take a shower as often as my fibromyalgia will allow me to. I brush my teeth everyday again. I smile more than I did, and on most days those smiles are genuine.  I still feel like I’m an outsider in my life, and there are times I even feel like life is a dream or even that I am observing my life from the outside and that it’s not really me living it, and I can’t say why …. that’s just how it is.   I am still incredibly sad and feel so lost but at least I can see it now, and at times I can even talk it through with my husband and try to deal with it.

I still feel hopeless, but I also have hope … the hope that one day I will be able to crawl out of this dark hole and feel happy again…. hope that I may even have a day or two with no pain, more energy, less isolation.

The sad thing is many spoonies deal with depression on some level and never receive help they need to deal with it.  Sometimes just simply telling someone that has an invisible illness that you are here for them or that you want to understand how they feel is enough to give them some hope, other times it may take for you to say that there seems to be a change in their mood. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have changed, we only know that we are sad, that we feel dark and it takes for someone to tell us to even begin to understand that we are.  That’s what happened with me I guess. I went to this deep, dark, scary place and I needed someone to help me find my way back. I may not be out of the dark woods yet, but at least I can finally see the darn bread crumbs.

Well thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and remember spoonie darlings …. try and Untitled

 

 

 

 

 

 

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