Depression

All posts tagged Depression

Why I Say Save a Spoon For a Bit of Lipstick

Published March 22, 2020 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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Hey doll hey!!! How’s your day/night going?? Great I hope.

I have a lot of people ask me why I always say “Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick”. The reason I say this is that as a spoonie over the years I hadn’t always left spoons for self care. I would spend all my spoons, or energy for those of you who don’t know what that means. We who suffer from autoimmune illnesses call ourselves spoonies…. why you ask? Because we identify with an article by a fellow spoonie named Christine Miserandino who wrote an article entitled Spoon Theory where she explained to her friend who wanted to know what it was like to deal with an autoimmune illness. She used spoons in her explanation to symbolize the amount of energy someone with autoimmune illnesses has when they start their day and how each little thing we do takes away from this spoon supply.

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Well for many years I would waste all my spoons before I got to doing anything for myself and this caused me to suffer horrible depression and caused me to have very low self esteem. After a few years of always feeling horrible about myself I realized the things I loved doing such as home spa days, painting my nails, playing in my makeup, getting dressed in actual clothes (I would take a shower and than immediately pop myself into a fresh pair of pajamas), and simply just wearing some perfume (I thought why bother I’m stuck in the house because of this stupid illness and why waste perfume on myself when I’m only staring at the same 4 damn walls). I finally remembered that I have value and I have the right to pamper myself even if I’m only going to be resting or just being around the house. So I started to limit myself to the things I do in a day. Instead of getting up and cleaning the full house everyday (yes I use to dust and mop and vacuum and the wash, and rearrange the whole house everyday on top of all of my normal responsibilities such as cooking and dishes). I started taking some of the energy and poured it into self care… I would take my shower and then do something for myself such as my hair (instead of just pushing a brush through my hair and pulling it into a bun) or giving myself a pedicure or spending time doing a face mask…. slowly this morphed into me wanting to do more beauty related things for my blog …. this led to me doing my makeup every day which in turn helped with my depression …. when you look put together, you just feel better. This led me to  want to dress up more, instead of just living in pjs or a pair of my husband’s sweatpants.

I conclude every post with the tag line “Remember… Save a spoon for a little lipstick” as a way to remind my fellow spoonies to save time and energy for themselves.

This is so important for all spoonies to do. We tend to put the needs of everyone else before ourselves… we then get lost in all the daily coming and goings and before you know it we are a bit sadder, a bit more frustrated, a bit more hopeless….. this effects our self esteem and our mental health.

Now I’m not saying applying lipstick will instantly get rid of our depression and boost our self esteem… but it starts to help… just taking a few minutes and a spoon or two out of our days to get do something as simple as giving ourselves a face mask treatment or giving ourselves a new hair style or just simply popping on some makeup starts to make us feel happier and more put together…. this can lead to not wanting to wear pjs or sweats all day …. it starts to boost your self confidence and in turn improves your mood.

Now, this wont be a “first time you try it you’ll be all better” type approach to better mental health…. this is a “taking time out for me, because I’m worth it” type approach.

See when I first got sick …. I was down all the time. I felt useless and as if I was a burden. I couldn’t even shower on my own … my husband had to help me shower because I was so weak and in so much pain that just getting into the tub was a huge feat. By the time I was done soaping my body up and had no energy left to wash my hair.

On day hubby came home with a shower chair and said we were going to do this together…. he would hop in the shower with me…. help me lather up and whilst I was sitting on the shower chair he would take the responsibility to wash my hair. I still only wore buns for most of the time… except for on moderately good days where I could do my hair and makeup…. even though it took a long time to do the makeup portion of my day…. with tons of starts and stops.

I would get so frustrated because I would cook dinner and not have enough energy to do the dishes.. or get to the wash… or even make my bed (on the good days where I was able to get out of bed).

I started to get depressed because I hadn’t the spoons to visit friends or go to a movie, or even go out for dinner. We had Disney season passes … and I had no energy to even attempt to go to the happiest place on earth. I started to beat myself up because I no longer could tackle all of the house work in 1 go.

I never liked going out because I hadn’t the energy to put myself together … I hated leaving the house in pjs or sweats and hated that I always wore my hair in a bun with no makeup…. makeup was always a big part of my soul …. I am seriously passionate about makeup …. it’s my favorite hobby.

As time went on I started to adjust to the medications and treatments for Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis and was able to do more… but I still wasn’t able to get to do things for myself …. this is when I realized I had to figuratively die to my old life and begin to accept and improve my new life as a spoonie.

This is when I took time to see just how much I could do before my spoons were gone and learned to adjust life so that there was enough spoons for both myself and my household.

I learned it’s ok to do the wash and not fold it or put it away until the next day (although there are some times that when I do the wash I end up in a flair and have to put off putting the clothes away for a few day …. and I have learned over the years that this is OK… it’s OK to need to rest …. allow yourself to rest …. you deserve to rest). I learned that I could ask for help with the cooking and washing up afterward. I also learned to take short cuts … such as purchasing paper plates and cups and disposable utensils to make washing up quicker and easier for me. I learned to accept that it’s OK to serve left overs the next day if I am having a spoon shortage. I learned that it’s OK to dust biweekly instead of everyday … I learned it’s OK to wash my hair every 2 to 3 days instead of everyday …. in fact my hair has never been better …. apparently forgoing washing my hair for a few days (even though I still brush it and put it together nicely) actually leaves my hair softer and easier to manage.

I still longed for my old life but set out to find life hacks to help me get back to as close to my old life as I could.

One of those things was implementing more self care  things into my daily routine.

I started to do the wash weekly instead of daily…. vacuuming weekly instead of daily …. I learned that I could make my bed daily without having to furnish the bed with all the extra decorative pillows and duvets , that just simply fixing up the bed with the bed sheets and cover where OK. I learned that not every meal has to be a 4 course extravaganza … that just a simple steak and mash potatoes was good enough. That dessert didn’t have to be homemade every night….. dessert could be a weekend adventure and that I didn’t need to make it from scratch if I didn’t have the extra spoons for it. I learned that if I needed to soak the pots and pans (since we now were using paper plates and cups and disposable utensils) for the night …. this was OK ….

I  simply learned to let go of my super structured life and just relax into the new life of needing to watch my spoon count for the day ….

Before I knew it I had extra spoons that I could use for my own self worth. I was able to take time to do hair styles for myself … take time to sit down and play in my makeup and feel good about that ….. before I knew it I was waiting to wear outfits instead of PJs (even thought there are still days where I just don’t have the spoon count to get dressed up … and that still is OK …. I allow myself the bummy days when I need them). I was wanting to take the time to sit down a blog more … I found myself feeling confident again, happy again, more put together again.

This is the reason I tag line each post with “Remember save a spoon for a bit of lipstick”. It’s to remind my fellow spoonies to save some energy for something for themselves …. To save a spoon to do something for their own well being … not just whatever one else needs. To take the time to practice self care …. even if it’s just a simple pedicure or manicure …. it’s 1 thing out of all the things you do that is simply just for you …. you DESERVE to do something for yourself too. I chose to do my makeup for myself because it makes me happy and I love playing around with looks …. that’s the thing I choose to save my special spoon for …. so even if you don’t like makeup save a special spoon for YOURSELF….. or are just starting out with makeup use that special spoon to practice and hone your makeup skills ….. it could be anything …. you could use that spoon to crochet or knit …. to do a puzzle or read a book …. you could use it to shave your legs or color your hair …. use that special spoon to go for coffee with a friend or go see a movie, or pop into the mall for a bit of retail therapy….the possibilities are endless … the important take away is that you save a special spoon for an activity that is just for you …. So when I use my tag line …. I am in no way trying to down play that we have limited energy as an autoimmune person … I’m simply reminding you to save some of that energy to treat yourself well.

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Well…. that’s all for this post dolls…. I hope an pray you are having a good day/night …. that you are low in pain and are in good spirits….

Remember dolls …. Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick.

XOXO

 

My Skin Care Routine

Published December 2, 2019 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hello beautiful! As promised here is my skin care routine.

With depression I have let my skin care fall to the way side and my skin suffered horribly because of it. It has taken a lot of tlc to get my skin happy again… tons of face masks, homemade avocado face treatments, steam treatments, and lots of face oils to get my skin back to normal. Depression has a way of making everything seem too impossible to do, thank goodness the clouds have cleared and I am able to once again take care of me.

Here is my routine …..

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I start by splashing my face with warm water and then I cleanse my face with Bioderma, yes I know it’s billed as a makeup remover but it is a cleanser so I use it as both. (I have learned that washing my face everyday with a face cleanser tends to stripe my face too much, so I only use face cleanser 3 times a week and I do the cleansing at night so that my face cream can replenish my skin.) When I use this as a makeup remover at night I make sure I get all the makeup off and then go back at my face with a clean cotton pad doused in Bioderma (I make sure the cotton pad is soaked so that my skin will be soaked completely).

Next while my skin is still wet I use my No7 Youthful Eye Serum ($24.40 at Walmart and Ulta for .5 fluid ounces)  and Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Serum ($29.99 at Ulta for 1 fluid ounce) — for the face. I know they are a bit pricey but they are so worth this price tag. I like pea sized dot is all you need for the eye serum and I draw a thin line on my  cheeks, forehead, and chin of the face serum. I then let the serums soak into to the skin while I  get ready for either bed or I get ready for the day. These serums are so hydrating. I feel like it really plumps up the undereye and my forehead lines.

 

I use to skip this next step because the eye and face serums are so moisturizing that I don’t even feel like I need extra moisturizer. I once again use a pea sized amount of Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Eye Cream ($21.99 At Ulta for .5 fluid ounces) and 1 finger swipe is all you need of Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Day Cream (24.99 at Ulta for 1.7 fluid ounces). I know this is a DAY cream but I couldn’t find the night cream so I use this product and night too… when I’m done with it I plan on purchasing both DAY and NIGHT creams. I love both these products so much. They aren’t sticky or greasy and sink beautifully into the skin. After I apply this I will normally brush my teeth and hair and if it’s night I take my medications and if it’s day I will brush my teeth and hair and then I pick out what makeup I’m going to wear for the day. By then my skin is feeling amazing (on days that I don’t wear makeup I will normally just add a tiny bit of BECCA Backlight Priming Filter even thought the glow is perfect with just the skin products used.)

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Lastly I hydrate my lips …. My lips during my set back with my depression suffered horribly. They were chapped, cracked, and shedding. O’Keeffe’s Lip Repair (4.49 at Amazon for .15 ounces) brought my lips back to life! This is the only lip balm I will use. I’ve been using it for about 4 months now and my lips have never looked better. (I will be doing a review of the full line in my next post.)

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Well this is my skin care routine. I hope you enjoyed this post and hope that you are having a spoon filled day…. Ta ta for now loves and as always save a spoon for a bit of makeup.

XOXO

The Snow Globe Effect

Published April 13, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.

So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.

Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.

My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.

For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok,  that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.

I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.

As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and  more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.

It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life  causes those who love you most.

My brain finally had enough,  everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.

I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me.  It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)

As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.

As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.

I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok,  the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.

 

Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

I’ve Had Up’s and Down’s ; But …

Published November 14, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Why hello there doll!!! Sorry I’ve been away so long. It’s been one hell after another since we last talked.

I’ve been to see my rheumaatologist who took me off my muscle relaxers because he says he feels as though they are pointless as they do not help with fibromyalgia.

I spent almost 3 weeks in such pain it literally took my breath from me at times. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and most importantly I was unable to even interact with my family. I spent most of my time crying, lying on the floor, or chain smoking because of the pain.

Around about the last part of the 2nd week I had enough of doing it the doctors way and , after talking with my husband about it, decided to start taking my muscle relaxers again.

Needless to say, I am feeling so much better now. ( about 2 days after starting my muscle relaxers again.)

The thing I have learned through this walk as a spoonie is this … doctor’s do not always know what is the best thing for you. Not every fibro patient will respond to the same course of treatment and when something is working for you it’s important to stand your ground and say I’m sticking with it.

I so wish I would have stood my ground this past month.

I have been taken off my anxiety meds and that has kept me house bound more than I would like and once again I have put myself back on my anxiety meds and will have a long talk with my shrink about this.

I’ve had ups and downs with my pain levels , energy, and mental health ; but I am still here … I am still fighting … and I am still hoping to be a beacon for other spoonies out there and of course a place for understand for those not in the spoonie circle.

I know it’s hard to understand what we go through, and I hope to continue giving you insight to those of us with autoimmune illnesses.

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be bringing you those  long promised makeup posts soon, and some makeup reviews.

Thank you for taking the time to take a peek into this spoonie’s makeup bag and as always – remember spoonie darlings , save a spoon for a bit of lipgloss.  xox

Grey Skies and Rainy Times

Published August 5, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Today I find myself feeling fustrated. It’s been a little over 2 years that I have relapsed… 2 years.

I really can’t even remember what it was like to have my own money, to be able to just hop in the car and head out for a little retail theropy.

I know that sound shallow, really I am not meaning to be. It’s just that… well I guess I just have always worked, have always had a paycheck. I never needed to depend on anyone for anything and now I can’t even buy a pack of gum on my own…. that’s true frustration.

I’ve been a fibromyalgia suffer for the better part of 6 years and in the beginning I was able to work but now there arent very many good day and I think that is where my depression starts to kick in. When you are stuck in bed for as long as I have been you loose you self worth. You forget that you are valid. When you have to depend on anyone else you start to feel useless.

My husband does a damn good job at making sure I never need for anything, it would just be nice to one day be able to say I purchased this, or hey babe let ME take you on a date.

There use to be a time when I could look into my closet and say I spent way too much on clothes and ask myself why in earth I had so many purple tops.

Now when I look into my closet all I find is a reminder that I am not a productive member of society anymore. I also am reminded that my fashion sense has gone right out the window.

You see, when you live the life of a spoonie you for go trendy for comfort. I use to own 20 pairs of jeans, Now I own nothing but sweat pants and pj bottoms. I use to own so many cute tops and sweaters but now I own tank tops and cardigans.

Someone with fibromyalgia has to be careful of what they wear. We have hyper sensitive areas on our bodies that when touched or constricted sends our bodies into blinding pain…. so those skinny jeans we use to love are now off limits. Hell, most of the time I wear just a tank top and pj shorts just to try and easy my discomfort.

So here I am fustrated because I want to go shopping, and I am (just a little bit…if my energy allows me to) but it just isn’t the same when you have to defer the bill to someone else to pay. Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited to be getting a new eyeshadow pallet I am dying for, it’s just that when I would snag the hot new makeup item when I was making my own money there was this sense of accomplishment, now there is excitement but it’s no longer MY accomplishment.

I know that as a married couple my husband and I accomplish life together but I watch as he works so much harder than he should have to just to be able to make sure I am able to have some play money. That is so heart aching for me.

During the holidays and his birthday it’s nice that I have money to gift him things and he is truly grateful for the gifts he recieves, however isn’t it really just him buying his own present? After all it is his paycheck that affords me the ability to get him a gift in the first place.

Being a spoonie that is faced with being confined to your home, you find that you get fustrated about many thing, not just financial issues.

Take for instance not being able take a trip out for the day spontaneously. Living with fibromyalgia means having to plan outings with as much advanced notice as possible.

I have to make sure I rest so that I don’t over do myself, I have to make sure I don’t forget to take all my medication on time so as to avoid weakening myself to pain beyond what my brain has deemed will be my daily allotted amount. I have to make sure that the only pair of jeans I own (why own more than 1 pair if I am really never leaving the house anyway) isn’t going to be pressing in on any of my tender points. I have to make sure I am careful of what I eat for the week to ensure I am not nauseous when I am out of the house.

I am fustrated also because I have been so weak and in so much pain this week and it feels as if I will never have a good day again, that I will always be this weak and in this much pain but than I remmeber that only 17 months ago this was me…

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Just 17 months ago I was so weak that I couldn’t even sit up. There was so much pain that I couldn’t even breath without wanting to scream. Just a little over a year and a half ago I couldn’t take a bath on my own, I couldn’t change my clothes on my own… and fast forward to the present and here I am blogging. Here I am  upright (granted it’s not for long periods of time, but it’s a start) and able to shower on my own (normally using a shower chair). I am even able to wear makeup on more than just a few days or less.

Granted, most of the days that I am wearing makeup I am still in a tanktop and pj bottems, and instead of applying my makeup at my vanity I almost always have to apply it from bed, I am STILL able to wear makeup… an almost on the daily.

I guess what started out as a pitty party today has taught me that my life should be a celebration of those small steps I keep talking about.

To all my wonderful spoonies out there , those little steps might seem like a drop in the bucket, and we may not be able to work and make a dollar, but look at us now. Those little steps are little reminders that it wont always be grey skies and rainy times. Just because you are house bound and may be fighting the government for assistance (because hey you look healthy or your symptoms aren’t life threatening to the powers that be) it’s ok to accept help from those who love you most.

To all you beautiful dishes out there, remember even when we  forget to tell you how amazing your support has been, we always feel it. 

Well, that’s all for now… my body is screaming for me to go take a rest,

Until next time hang in there spoonie darlings, it won’t always be fustrating.

Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and don’t forget to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

A Strength Not Even Teflon Can Claim

Published August 4, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

This post actually reminded me just how strong I am on the inside. I wrote it on a day when all I wanted was to crumble, to give in… but I got through it. This post  also reminded me what I wanted to accomplish with this blog…. it reminded me that there is always tomorrow to begin again… Hope you enjoy.

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Today has been pure and utter hell. I am still waiting for my Dr’s office to call in and correct an error on my prescription for Cymbalta.

I have now been 6 days without this medication and am starting to feel the side effects of a cold withdrawal.

I have never had this experience before and now have a Cathartic respect for anyone who has ever kicked an addiction.

The pain is horrific, the dizziness never comes in waves like when one has the flu or food poisoning, it is just ever-present.

Foods I love have a nasty taste right now, and my sense of smell is going to be the death of me. I hate anything that once smelled like heaven and it would appear that my nose has gained  a super power. I can smell things that never bothered me before, things like dirt in my rose bushes and baby powder that I use to sooth my fur babies itches.

Lets talk itches while the topic is fresh …. I feel like my enter body is trying to destroy me. I itch all the time. I have tried changing my body wash, soaking in an oatmeal bath, switching to a viscous body lotion, swapping out our laundry detergent and fabric softener to baby friendly versions and nothing helps. My skin is raw from me scratching non stop and this only serves to irritate my poor skin more.

Noise physically hurts. I feel like a crazy woman, I swear I can hear the earth rotate on it’s axis. As a person with Fibromyalgia, I know that these symptoms are nothing new but damn if they don’t feel some how amplified.

On day 2 I was reduced to tears most of the day and by day 5 I was ready to take a curtain call, but then I realized I am not the only person out there suffering from a case of the spoonies, and how can I ever wish to ease life for my fellow spoonies if I don’t pull myself up and fight my way out of my depression and not let this little issue sway me to do something stupid.

I guess what I mean is your pain is real, all of our pain is real, and the struggles will pass. There will come a time when it will get better. Hold on spoonie darlings, there will be a day when you will rise above you invisible attacker.

We can hope for cures and hope for awareness, but let us never forget to revel in our small steps taken and our small achievement, those are the stepping-stones to our greater selves, our happier selves.

Rise spoonie darlings, like the Phoenix’s I know you all are. Why? Damn it because we are spoonie strong …. that’s a strength not even Teflon can claim.

Nite for now my spoonie family. May the dawn present you with smiles, happiness, and baskets of spoons.

Untill next time, thanks for peeking in on   this spoonie’s makeup bag and as alway remember – save a spoon for lip gloss.

Captin’s Log … Star Date: Ummm

Published August 3, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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I’ve been having a rough time since starting my blog. I have had severe cluster headaches, loss of feeling in my hands and feet, and well all that entails with being a fibromyalgia suffer.

I have been looking through my posts  from my tumbler account and came across a few of my posts that sum up how I have been feeling the past few days.

When you have been at a constant level 10 for a week it starts to chip away at your “go get’um” spirit.

Truth be told, I haven’t felt like dealing with the world. I haven’t wanted to do anything but scream and cry and smash a few dishes…. thankfully my loving husband has been with me through this depression episode.

I will post a few of my older blog posts to help me get over my cloudy attitude. I have had the worst fibro fog ever and trying to keep my thoughts coherent has been hell.

Sorry about the pitty party, I promise to be back soon with new thoughts and a few makeup related posts as soon as I am able to string what I mean to say together.

Much love, and remember spoonie darlings, we all have those days where we just can’t deal… but there is always tomorrow for something better.

Thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag until next time, as always … hold on to a spoon for a little lip gloss.

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