mental health

All posts tagged mental health

The Snow Globe Effect

Published April 13, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.

So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.

Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.

My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.

For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok,  that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.

I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.

As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and  more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.

It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life  causes those who love you most.

My brain finally had enough,  everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.

I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me.  It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)

As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.

As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.

I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok,  the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.

 

Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

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Face of the Day

Published November 15, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll. Hope your day was smooth, pain free (errr… as close to pain free as any spoonie can have) and that you had plenty of spoons to make it through the day.

I have been taking a new dose of my depression medication and it seems to be working for me .  I  have had the energy ( both physically and mentally) to wear a full beat face 4 out of 7 days the past few weeks. (excluding the days at the first of the month when I was still off m muscle relaxers)

So I thought it was damn time that I share a face of the day with you. Remember even when you are having a bad spoonie day, just the littlest of things like a bit of blush, a smear of lip gloss  and mascara could help keep you feeling less depressed , feeling human on the days were , as a spoonie we feel left out or just unaccomplished.

Remember it’s the small things that can make a big difference in how we feel on low days. Even just a spritz of our favorite scent can help.

No flash in Natural Light.

Why yes… that is a face demon… thanks for pointing that out. (😣) ….Wink wink nudge nudge…..
On the eyes:

Urban Decay Naked Ultimate Basics  ($54)

To set my primer ( I just use whatever concealer I am am using that day) I used PREGAME.

On my transition I chose NUDE  and also on the high plain of the transition area I chose a mix of NUDE & COMMANDO.

High crease I used INSTINCT Low crease I used TEMPTED.

Outer V area I used LETHAL ( I also used in on my lower lash line ).

Urban Decay Naked Smoky  ($54)

2/3 of my lid I used DIRTY SWEET (also used it on the lower middle and lower waterline) .

Inner Corner Highlight I used HIGH .

Urban Decay Naked Skin Color Correcting Fluid ($28) in Peach .

NYX Gotcha Covered Concealer  ($5.99) in Medium Olive .

Physicians Formula 2-in-1 Lash Boosting Eyeliner + Serum ($8.60)  in ULTRA BLACK.

It Cosmetics Hello Lashes 5-in-1 Mascara ($24) in the color blackest black for lower lashes and Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara ($23) in Carbon Black  for upper lashes .

On the Brows :

Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Duo ($23) in Dark Brown and NYX Micro Brow Pencil ( $9.99) in Espresso .

On the Face:

Too Faced Born This Way Foundation ($39) in Nude and also Natural Beige .

Milani The Multitasker Face Powder ($6.99) in #05 TAN .

Contour I used The Balm Cosmetics Bahama Mama ($20) .

I used IT Cosmetics Vitality Face Disk  (now called Your Most Beautiful You Anti Aging Face Palette  ($38) For my Highlight (Live) Blush (Love) and Bronzer (Laugh) .

On The Lips: 

NYX Suede Matte Lip Pencil ($4.00) in the color ALABAMA to contour and line my lips and Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in the color MASOCHIST ($18) .

 

WOW! When I put all this on I didn’t realize just how much stuff I had on my face (wink wink).

 

Well … Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup

bag … Until next time I hope the daylight receives you with less pain than the night before, more spoons than ever , and remember to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss 💋💜💋

 

 

 

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