The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.
So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.
Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.
My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.
For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok, that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.
I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.
As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.
It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life causes those who love you most.
My brain finally had enough, everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.
I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me. It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)
As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.
As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.
I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok, the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.
Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.