Understanding

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Getting to Know Me Part 5… 20 Questions

Published March 29, 2020 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll hey!!! Hope you are having a great day/night …. I’m coming at you with another lightning round of questions tag from bekkibee22…. she is coming up with some really great questions… so here goes nothing …..

What are you most likely very wrong about? my stand on corporal punishment.

What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? Before salvation, After Salvation, and A Fairytale love affair.

What are some things you’ve had to unlearn? I had to unlearn being such a perfectionist…. with beung sick I can’t work life the way I once did because I often wear myself out…. so I’ve had to relearn how to be a house wife.

What could you give a 40 minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation? several things …. I could give a 40 minute presentation o what it’s like living with Fibromyalgia, I could give one on makeup application, I could give one on cooking from scratch….

What question would you most like to know the answer to? Nothing. I’m not the type of person that is in search of answers… If I have a question I normally sit down and research it for myself.

If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? Spend more time with my family, catch up on reading, fet some more makeup play in, and just take time to worship my Lord and Savior.

Why did you decide to do what you are doing now in your life? I decided to start this blog because I felt isolated and alone and like no one understood what it was like to have Fibromyalgia…. and because I wanted to try and be a beacon of hope for others feeling lost, isolated, alone, and hopeless.

What’s the best and worst pieces of advice you’ve ever received? Best Advice- Stop apologizing for thing beyond my control. Worst Advise- Giving myself fringe because someone said I would cute with bangs.

What’s the most impactful ‘no’ you’ve said recently? I’ve said NO to all MLM companies.

What has been the most stressful experience in your life? Living my whole life hiding the fact that I was raped for fear my family would be angry with me.

Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I’ve always dreamt of starting a YouTube channel…. I never did it because #1 I’m 46 and feel like I’ve missed the opportunity to really connect with my target audience. And #2 I’m overweight and have thin skin when it comes to ridicule and am too afraid that people will be mean.

What would you like to change about your family? The fact that we live so far away from each other.

What was a place or event that transformed your ideas, thinking, perspective, or made you come alive in a new way? What changed? Going to my first Christian concert. There was so much love and worship that it forever changed my relationship with God. I now feel the spirit move when I listen to praise music.

What one thing would you do if it would be impossible to fail? Start a YouTube channel.

What is something you love now, that you never could have imagined you would like in the past? Connecting with new people. I’m mostly an introvert but ever since starting my blog I’ve been reaching out to people more and connecting with like-minded people.

If you could invite anyone, living or dead to dinner, who would it be and why? Nelson Mandela… because his teachings are fascinating to me.

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Nothing. I never dwell on what the future holds I prefer to live it as I go.

What are you addicted to? Makeup, Chocolate, and Italian food… oh and cuddling with my hubby.

What’s the milestone you’re working towards right now in your personal and professional life? Personal: Wanting to buy a house within the next 2 years. Professional: Wanting to have an incredible blog with heaps of hits.

What was the most bizarre encounter you’ve had in your life? When I was in my 20’s and living in my first apartment… I moved into an apartment where a 22 year old male passed away from heary failure. His mom solf my his fridge and I always felt like someone was there with me. One night I fell asleep with a 3 wick candle burning and I felt the bed move and heard a voice call my name and beg me to wake up because I was in danger …. I opened my eyes just in time to stop a fire from spreading… the glass jar to the candle had broken and the wax and wicks had slopped over my bedroom curtains… to this day I still believe this was the guy’s spirit saving me.

Well that’s all for now dolls, hope you are in good health and spirits and that ypu have a great rest of ypur day/night. Remember …. Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick.

XOXO

Getting to Know Me

Published March 25, 2020 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Hey doll hey!!! How’s your day/night going? Great I hope…..So I read a blog post by bekkibbee22 here on WordPress and thought it would be fun to recreate, with her permission ofcourse. It’s a get to know me tag…. so here it goes….

My Favourite Colour– Purple

My Favourite Food– All things Italian

My Favourite Dessert– Cheese cake with strawberry puree

My Favourite Drink– decaf coffee with vanilla caramel creamer

My Favourite Scent– Parisian by YSL

My Favourite Flower– orchids

My Favourite Hobby– all things makeup

My Favourite Movie– Benny and Joon

My Favourite TV Series– Shadow Hunters

My Favourite Book– Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon

My Favourite Song- Thats a hard one. Anything by Fallout Boy and also the song Brown Eyed Girl

My Favourite App– TikTok

My Favourite Item of Clothing– Circle Skirt Dresses

My Favourite Accessories– my wedding ring and a cross necklace my hubby bought me for Christmas

My Favourite Type of Shoes– Vans and Mt Tieks ballet shoes

My Favourite Things To Do When Not Working– I dont work because Im disabled but when I did work my fav thing to do was read a few chapters of my latest book.

My Favourite Make-Up Product– wow another hard one…. I would have to say Lipstick, highlighter, bronzer, and blush

My Favourite Lip Colour– Any type of corL

My Favourite Season– Spring

Well that’s it dolls…. have a great rest of your night/day. Let me know if there are any other getting to know me questions you’d like me to answer…. Remember….. Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick.

Xoxo

Why I Say Save a Spoon For a Bit of Lipstick

Published March 22, 2020 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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Hey doll hey!!! How’s your day/night going?? Great I hope.

I have a lot of people ask me why I always say “Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick”. The reason I say this is that as a spoonie over the years I hadn’t always left spoons for self care. I would spend all my spoons, or energy for those of you who don’t know what that means. We who suffer from autoimmune illnesses call ourselves spoonies…. why you ask? Because we identify with an article by a fellow spoonie named Christine Miserandino who wrote an article entitled Spoon Theory where she explained to her friend who wanted to know what it was like to deal with an autoimmune illness. She used spoons in her explanation to symbolize the amount of energy someone with autoimmune illnesses has when they start their day and how each little thing we do takes away from this spoon supply.

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Well for many years I would waste all my spoons before I got to doing anything for myself and this caused me to suffer horrible depression and caused me to have very low self esteem. After a few years of always feeling horrible about myself I realized the things I loved doing such as home spa days, painting my nails, playing in my makeup, getting dressed in actual clothes (I would take a shower and than immediately pop myself into a fresh pair of pajamas), and simply just wearing some perfume (I thought why bother I’m stuck in the house because of this stupid illness and why waste perfume on myself when I’m only staring at the same 4 damn walls). I finally remembered that I have value and I have the right to pamper myself even if I’m only going to be resting or just being around the house. So I started to limit myself to the things I do in a day. Instead of getting up and cleaning the full house everyday (yes I use to dust and mop and vacuum and the wash, and rearrange the whole house everyday on top of all of my normal responsibilities such as cooking and dishes). I started taking some of the energy and poured it into self care… I would take my shower and then do something for myself such as my hair (instead of just pushing a brush through my hair and pulling it into a bun) or giving myself a pedicure or spending time doing a face mask…. slowly this morphed into me wanting to do more beauty related things for my blog …. this led to me doing my makeup every day which in turn helped with my depression …. when you look put together, you just feel better. This led me to  want to dress up more, instead of just living in pjs or a pair of my husband’s sweatpants.

I conclude every post with the tag line “Remember… Save a spoon for a little lipstick” as a way to remind my fellow spoonies to save time and energy for themselves.

This is so important for all spoonies to do. We tend to put the needs of everyone else before ourselves… we then get lost in all the daily coming and goings and before you know it we are a bit sadder, a bit more frustrated, a bit more hopeless….. this effects our self esteem and our mental health.

Now I’m not saying applying lipstick will instantly get rid of our depression and boost our self esteem… but it starts to help… just taking a few minutes and a spoon or two out of our days to get do something as simple as giving ourselves a face mask treatment or giving ourselves a new hair style or just simply popping on some makeup starts to make us feel happier and more put together…. this can lead to not wanting to wear pjs or sweats all day …. it starts to boost your self confidence and in turn improves your mood.

Now, this wont be a “first time you try it you’ll be all better” type approach to better mental health…. this is a “taking time out for me, because I’m worth it” type approach.

See when I first got sick …. I was down all the time. I felt useless and as if I was a burden. I couldn’t even shower on my own … my husband had to help me shower because I was so weak and in so much pain that just getting into the tub was a huge feat. By the time I was done soaping my body up and had no energy left to wash my hair.

On day hubby came home with a shower chair and said we were going to do this together…. he would hop in the shower with me…. help me lather up and whilst I was sitting on the shower chair he would take the responsibility to wash my hair. I still only wore buns for most of the time… except for on moderately good days where I could do my hair and makeup…. even though it took a long time to do the makeup portion of my day…. with tons of starts and stops.

I would get so frustrated because I would cook dinner and not have enough energy to do the dishes.. or get to the wash… or even make my bed (on the good days where I was able to get out of bed).

I started to get depressed because I hadn’t the spoons to visit friends or go to a movie, or even go out for dinner. We had Disney season passes … and I had no energy to even attempt to go to the happiest place on earth. I started to beat myself up because I no longer could tackle all of the house work in 1 go.

I never liked going out because I hadn’t the energy to put myself together … I hated leaving the house in pjs or sweats and hated that I always wore my hair in a bun with no makeup…. makeup was always a big part of my soul …. I am seriously passionate about makeup …. it’s my favorite hobby.

As time went on I started to adjust to the medications and treatments for Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis and was able to do more… but I still wasn’t able to get to do things for myself …. this is when I realized I had to figuratively die to my old life and begin to accept and improve my new life as a spoonie.

This is when I took time to see just how much I could do before my spoons were gone and learned to adjust life so that there was enough spoons for both myself and my household.

I learned it’s ok to do the wash and not fold it or put it away until the next day (although there are some times that when I do the wash I end up in a flair and have to put off putting the clothes away for a few day …. and I have learned over the years that this is OK… it’s OK to need to rest …. allow yourself to rest …. you deserve to rest). I learned that I could ask for help with the cooking and washing up afterward. I also learned to take short cuts … such as purchasing paper plates and cups and disposable utensils to make washing up quicker and easier for me. I learned to accept that it’s OK to serve left overs the next day if I am having a spoon shortage. I learned that it’s OK to dust biweekly instead of everyday … I learned it’s OK to wash my hair every 2 to 3 days instead of everyday …. in fact my hair has never been better …. apparently forgoing washing my hair for a few days (even though I still brush it and put it together nicely) actually leaves my hair softer and easier to manage.

I still longed for my old life but set out to find life hacks to help me get back to as close to my old life as I could.

One of those things was implementing more self care  things into my daily routine.

I started to do the wash weekly instead of daily…. vacuuming weekly instead of daily …. I learned that I could make my bed daily without having to furnish the bed with all the extra decorative pillows and duvets , that just simply fixing up the bed with the bed sheets and cover where OK. I learned that not every meal has to be a 4 course extravaganza … that just a simple steak and mash potatoes was good enough. That dessert didn’t have to be homemade every night….. dessert could be a weekend adventure and that I didn’t need to make it from scratch if I didn’t have the extra spoons for it. I learned that if I needed to soak the pots and pans (since we now were using paper plates and cups and disposable utensils) for the night …. this was OK ….

I  simply learned to let go of my super structured life and just relax into the new life of needing to watch my spoon count for the day ….

Before I knew it I had extra spoons that I could use for my own self worth. I was able to take time to do hair styles for myself … take time to sit down and play in my makeup and feel good about that ….. before I knew it I was waiting to wear outfits instead of PJs (even thought there are still days where I just don’t have the spoon count to get dressed up … and that still is OK …. I allow myself the bummy days when I need them). I was wanting to take the time to sit down a blog more … I found myself feeling confident again, happy again, more put together again.

This is the reason I tag line each post with “Remember save a spoon for a bit of lipstick”. It’s to remind my fellow spoonies to save some energy for something for themselves …. To save a spoon to do something for their own well being … not just whatever one else needs. To take the time to practice self care …. even if it’s just a simple pedicure or manicure …. it’s 1 thing out of all the things you do that is simply just for you …. you DESERVE to do something for yourself too. I chose to do my makeup for myself because it makes me happy and I love playing around with looks …. that’s the thing I choose to save my special spoon for …. so even if you don’t like makeup save a special spoon for YOURSELF….. or are just starting out with makeup use that special spoon to practice and hone your makeup skills ….. it could be anything …. you could use that spoon to crochet or knit …. to do a puzzle or read a book …. you could use it to shave your legs or color your hair …. use that special spoon to go for coffee with a friend or go see a movie, or pop into the mall for a bit of retail therapy….the possibilities are endless … the important take away is that you save a special spoon for an activity that is just for you …. So when I use my tag line …. I am in no way trying to down play that we have limited energy as an autoimmune person … I’m simply reminding you to save some of that energy to treat yourself well.

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Well…. that’s all for this post dolls…. I hope an pray you are having a good day/night …. that you are low in pain and are in good spirits….

Remember dolls …. Save a spoon for a bit of lipstick.

XOXO

 

The Snow Globe Effect

Published April 13, 2017 by aspooniesmakeupbag

The next few post will be hard for me to speak about… I only just started to acknowledge the fact that I have mental issues … now I am wanting to add a public acknowledgement of this.

So lets talk about what it’s like to be a clinical depression suffer.

Clinical Depression? What is that? It’s when you suffer something so horrible, or maybe even just to difficult for you to deal with, and you get stuck in a deep depression … so deep that you can’t come out of it…. at least that’s how I would describe it.

My therapist would describe it with a ton of Ivy League words that I just can’t be bothered to try to spell today.

For the most part, when someone looks at me, it seems like everything is ok,  that’s just it , I’m not. I had something so profoundly horrible happen to me that I just don’t think I will ever recover from it. I was gang raped at in my early teens and that is all I will say about it … I can’t bring myself back to that day … and don’t know that even having therapy will help.

I pushed it deep inside but it was always just under the surface festering.

As the pressures of day-to-day life happened and  more bad things happened that festering turned into rot worse than death. I had a few suicide attempts, some time in a mental hospital, tons of drinking and getting high and finally 1 night as I was trying to end my life I met my husband. He has become that 1 constant in my life that makes things easier to deal with, and he is so patient with my messed up brain.

It wasn’t until my best friend took her own life that I #1 snapped completely and #2 understood finally the deep pain ending your life  causes those who love you most.

My brain finally had enough,  everything rushed to the surface all at once and I just couldn’t deal. I began sleeping as much as possible , could barely eat, cried almost all the time and nothing seemed to bring me joy.

I developed Fibromyalgia and that cause my depression to deepen even more. I started to detach from life and everyone around me.  It started to feel like everything I did , everything I experienced , everything that happened around me … was being done , experienced, happened to someone else… that I was just a passenger on someone else’s journey. ( My therapist has since explained that this is called dissociation and that this is something she can help me work on…. my though – ya right.)

As we work on me getting my mental health in order I began to call this dissociation the “Snow globe effect” . For me it feels like my whole life and everything (and everyone) in the world is in a giant snow globe and I am on the outside …. I can observe the world around me but I’m not able to feel the world around me.

As I push through this clinical depression I have good and bad days. I can be unhappy for no reason at all, I grow angry and seemingly innocent issues, and I just can’t deal with things the way I once have.

I still have hope that one day I can hold my head high and say this horrible thing happened but I am healed and my life is ok,  the truth is, I don’t know that I ever will be. I don’t wake up in the morning with the intent to be a Debbie Downer , or the intent to be stuck in a world of panic and anxiety …. it just is the way of my life …. my mind isn’t healthy and I keep working toward getting better … I don’t know I guess what I mean to say is …. I still have hope that one day I can find the opening to the snow globe and jump right inside with the rest of world, happy, healthy, and with no fear.

 

Well that’s it for now dolls… thanks for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag …. until next time save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

I’ve Had Up’s and Down’s ; But …

Published November 14, 2016 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Why hello there doll!!! Sorry I’ve been away so long. It’s been one hell after another since we last talked.

I’ve been to see my rheumaatologist who took me off my muscle relaxers because he says he feels as though they are pointless as they do not help with fibromyalgia.

I spent almost 3 weeks in such pain it literally took my breath from me at times. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and most importantly I was unable to even interact with my family. I spent most of my time crying, lying on the floor, or chain smoking because of the pain.

Around about the last part of the 2nd week I had enough of doing it the doctors way and , after talking with my husband about it, decided to start taking my muscle relaxers again.

Needless to say, I am feeling so much better now. ( about 2 days after starting my muscle relaxers again.)

The thing I have learned through this walk as a spoonie is this … doctor’s do not always know what is the best thing for you. Not every fibro patient will respond to the same course of treatment and when something is working for you it’s important to stand your ground and say I’m sticking with it.

I so wish I would have stood my ground this past month.

I have been taken off my anxiety meds and that has kept me house bound more than I would like and once again I have put myself back on my anxiety meds and will have a long talk with my shrink about this.

I’ve had ups and downs with my pain levels , energy, and mental health ; but I am still here … I am still fighting … and I am still hoping to be a beacon for other spoonies out there and of course a place for understand for those not in the spoonie circle.

I know it’s hard to understand what we go through, and I hope to continue giving you insight to those of us with autoimmune illnesses.

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be bringing you those  long promised makeup posts soon, and some makeup reviews.

Thank you for taking the time to take a peek into this spoonie’s makeup bag and as always – remember spoonie darlings , save a spoon for a bit of lipgloss.  xox

Grey Skies and Rainy Times

Published August 5, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

Today I find myself feeling fustrated. It’s been a little over 2 years that I have relapsed… 2 years.

I really can’t even remember what it was like to have my own money, to be able to just hop in the car and head out for a little retail theropy.

I know that sound shallow, really I am not meaning to be. It’s just that… well I guess I just have always worked, have always had a paycheck. I never needed to depend on anyone for anything and now I can’t even buy a pack of gum on my own…. that’s true frustration.

I’ve been a fibromyalgia suffer for the better part of 6 years and in the beginning I was able to work but now there arent very many good day and I think that is where my depression starts to kick in. When you are stuck in bed for as long as I have been you loose you self worth. You forget that you are valid. When you have to depend on anyone else you start to feel useless.

My husband does a damn good job at making sure I never need for anything, it would just be nice to one day be able to say I purchased this, or hey babe let ME take you on a date.

There use to be a time when I could look into my closet and say I spent way too much on clothes and ask myself why in earth I had so many purple tops.

Now when I look into my closet all I find is a reminder that I am not a productive member of society anymore. I also am reminded that my fashion sense has gone right out the window.

You see, when you live the life of a spoonie you for go trendy for comfort. I use to own 20 pairs of jeans, Now I own nothing but sweat pants and pj bottoms. I use to own so many cute tops and sweaters but now I own tank tops and cardigans.

Someone with fibromyalgia has to be careful of what they wear. We have hyper sensitive areas on our bodies that when touched or constricted sends our bodies into blinding pain…. so those skinny jeans we use to love are now off limits. Hell, most of the time I wear just a tank top and pj shorts just to try and easy my discomfort.

So here I am fustrated because I want to go shopping, and I am (just a little bit…if my energy allows me to) but it just isn’t the same when you have to defer the bill to someone else to pay. Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited to be getting a new eyeshadow pallet I am dying for, it’s just that when I would snag the hot new makeup item when I was making my own money there was this sense of accomplishment, now there is excitement but it’s no longer MY accomplishment.

I know that as a married couple my husband and I accomplish life together but I watch as he works so much harder than he should have to just to be able to make sure I am able to have some play money. That is so heart aching for me.

During the holidays and his birthday it’s nice that I have money to gift him things and he is truly grateful for the gifts he recieves, however isn’t it really just him buying his own present? After all it is his paycheck that affords me the ability to get him a gift in the first place.

Being a spoonie that is faced with being confined to your home, you find that you get fustrated about many thing, not just financial issues.

Take for instance not being able take a trip out for the day spontaneously. Living with fibromyalgia means having to plan outings with as much advanced notice as possible.

I have to make sure I rest so that I don’t over do myself, I have to make sure I don’t forget to take all my medication on time so as to avoid weakening myself to pain beyond what my brain has deemed will be my daily allotted amount. I have to make sure that the only pair of jeans I own (why own more than 1 pair if I am really never leaving the house anyway) isn’t going to be pressing in on any of my tender points. I have to make sure I am careful of what I eat for the week to ensure I am not nauseous when I am out of the house.

I am fustrated also because I have been so weak and in so much pain this week and it feels as if I will never have a good day again, that I will always be this weak and in this much pain but than I remmeber that only 17 months ago this was me…

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Just 17 months ago I was so weak that I couldn’t even sit up. There was so much pain that I couldn’t even breath without wanting to scream. Just a little over a year and a half ago I couldn’t take a bath on my own, I couldn’t change my clothes on my own… and fast forward to the present and here I am blogging. Here I am  upright (granted it’s not for long periods of time, but it’s a start) and able to shower on my own (normally using a shower chair). I am even able to wear makeup on more than just a few days or less.

Granted, most of the days that I am wearing makeup I am still in a tanktop and pj bottems, and instead of applying my makeup at my vanity I almost always have to apply it from bed, I am STILL able to wear makeup… an almost on the daily.

I guess what started out as a pitty party today has taught me that my life should be a celebration of those small steps I keep talking about.

To all my wonderful spoonies out there , those little steps might seem like a drop in the bucket, and we may not be able to work and make a dollar, but look at us now. Those little steps are little reminders that it wont always be grey skies and rainy times. Just because you are house bound and may be fighting the government for assistance (because hey you look healthy or your symptoms aren’t life threatening to the powers that be) it’s ok to accept help from those who love you most.

To all you beautiful dishes out there, remember even when we  forget to tell you how amazing your support has been, we always feel it. 

Well, that’s all for now… my body is screaming for me to go take a rest,

Until next time hang in there spoonie darlings, it won’t always be fustrating.

Thanks for taking the time to peek in on this spoonie’s makeup bag and don’t forget to save a spoon for a bit of lip gloss.

And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon

Published August 3, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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* Previously published on my tumbler account. *

This disease is so heart breaking, to be ill for the rest of my life makes me so angry, so hopeless.

Try to imagine being in pain everyday… having no energy… having to choose wisely what you do, knowing that whatever you chose will define the course of the rest of  your day.

I am trapped in this body, no matter how hard I fight to remain normal, ordinary mundane tasks will always be huge feats for me.

Imagine for just one moment what it is like to wakeup, even after a full nights sleep, and not even have the energy to fix a morning meal, to have to  pray that today will be the day that you brush your teeth and still have the energy to brush your hair, shower, and paint your face.

Put yourself in my footsteps where every step taken there is pain, where you feel humiliation because there are days you can not bath yourself, where you die a little inside as your spouse baths you, where something as simple as shampooing your hair can leave you in pain and fatigued, where knowing the person you ounce use to be  is gone forever.

This is my world now. A world where a simple trip food shopping could leave you bed ridden for the week.

I havent given myself a pedicure in a month, I also have only left my bed in a socially interactive situation 1 time in the past 6 months and I have been sidelined ever since that day. It was well worth it but still crippling.

Imagine having so many people around who called and texted and hung out with you, and now when you need their support most they have turned away from you.. after all it can be annoying to hear someone say they can’t hang out because they are having a bad day.

Now imagine pain… pain on a scale where a level 5 can give you peace. Imagine working your whole life and suddenly not being able to.

Imagine  humbling yourself to the governmental system to ask for assistance… to ask for the money they took from your pay  (everyday since you first held a job) back and  having the system tell you… you are not sick enough.

Congratulations you now know what it means to be spoonie strong.

Some days it is easier to handle and some days your hope is crushed.

You are left with a choice… roll over and give up or stand your ground and fight.

I refuse to give up, will you refuse to understand?

We are not our illnesses but sometimes we need your understanding. Every spoonie needs it’s dish….. Hey diddle diddle…..

Well thats all for now. Thanks for peeking into this spoonie’s makeup bag. To all my fellow spoonie darlings stay strong and spoonie on and remember always reserve a spoon for lip gloss.

Storms and Rainbows

Published July 21, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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Today I’m not feeling very well. I have not been feeling very well for the last couple of days. Sunday was a very dear family member’s baby’s christening and even though I had pain I pushed through to go and spend time with the family.

Even though my body was screaming for me to stay in bed and my anxiety level was pleading with me not to leave the house, I still push through it and was able to stay active and alert for 8 hours. I did have a couple of panic attacks, which is to be expected since sometimes being stuck in either your bed or in your home because of the pain and the fatigue associated with illnesses like fibromyalgia can cause  a kind of Agoraphobic type anxiety.

I have to give an immense amount of credit to my husband because on the very first panic attack, which was threatening to consume all of what was left of my sanity, he was able to get me back into the present and without having him there I don’t think I would have been able to get past that initial attack. It can be so hard sometimes because I get so much anxiety for just simple things… having to leave the house to just go buy a gallon of milk….having to leave the house to just go to the gas station , these are everyday errands it should be simple, but they aren’t for me.

They are  every day battles because since I’ve been sick for as long as I have been, (going well over 6 years) what I found is when I have relapses that are as long as this past one has been… this past month marks 2 full years… I’ve not only developed social anxiety, but I’ve also developed environmental anxiety.

I spent a good maybe 45 minutes to an hour locked in the guest bathroom putting on and taking off my makeup because makeup is my safety net…. sort of like a child who has a nightmare will have a special teddy bear, makeup is my special teddy bear. Make up for me is normality, something that keeps me rooted to the person I was before I got sick, it’s also something to give me repetition that allows me to focus my mind on the task that I’m doing rather than the anxiety that’s creeping into my throat.

So here I was 45 minutes into everybody showing up at my family members house and me not wanting to leave the bathroom. My husband comes to check on me and I had a meltdown. It’s not so much that he became my comfort (even though he truly is) he just has some magical way of pulling me back from my anxiety attacks. He knows how to make jokes or comments that make me feel so much better than what that panic is. In this case, he says to me don’t cry you know what happens when you cry you’ll ruin or your mascara, and we all know you hate waterproof mascar so it will just ruin this look.

This one ridiculous little statement cause me to laugh so much that my eyes watered and the glue lifted from my lashes. So I say I’ll be out in a few minutes I slapped more glue back onto my lashes fixed my hair put away all of my makeup and joined the living. My second panic attack was a smaller one but it  was still very fear controlling, and it was over something so simple, children playing in a pool  laughing and having fun  (while very warm and amazing) and  one child let out a screech that , just for some reason, triggered my anxiety and cause me to have a panic attack.

Before I say how I got this panic attack under order let me first say I do not condone giving medication that was prescribed to you to anybody else. One of the family members, the one that I talked about in my last post, also suffers fibromyalgia on top of the other mitigating Illnesses and she suffers anxiety attacks as well, she gave me an anxiety medication to help me just calm down for the rest of our stay at the party. Again, I do stress that one should never share medication, however in this particular case since we do suffer from almost identical secondary symptoms associated with our fibromyalgia and we’re on a lot of the same medication we did know what the interaction would be with the medication that I am on, so I felt that it was safe to take this particular medication.

This allows me to be able to stay in the present and stay engaged in conversation and just simply enjoy the fact that I was away from my home and out in the sun for 8 full hours well almost a full 8 hours it was maybe more  around seven and a half hour when  my pain was a little bit more than I can take and swelling that can be associated with fibromyalgia in and around certain trigger points was starting to swell beyond comfortable levels so I had to go home at that point.

I left that party with a smile on my face because it’s the first time since my trip back home to Philadelphia, that I was able to leave my home for more than an hour and for me that’s amazing, for me that’s such a gift.

So for the last 2 days,  I have been on bed rest, something that I knew would probably happen. I’m not saying that every time someone with an invisible illness that is energy and pain driven leaves the house they end up with loads of days stuck in bed, however in this particular case I’m still dealing with a relapse and so pacing myself is the only way to keep me from being so sick all the time.

For me these past two days stuck in bed has been so worth it because Sunday was so amazing and that is in spite of my panic attacks. Sunday was so amazing and so ego boosting that I made a girl date with the family member whose house we were at to just go do a small mall crawl for Thursday. Do I think I may be a bit uncomfortable, a bit anxious?or possibly even bedridden for a few days after? Yes… 100% yes. Now ask me would it be worth it. When you get sick with any of the spoonie family illnesses sometimes people don’t understand what you’re going through and you tend to lose a lot of friendships and a lot of connections. Not all of the connections and friendships are lost due to another individual; Sometimes because you get so anxiety riddled you tend to just distance yourself from everybody.

The one constant in my battle with this illness has always been the family member who I’m going to hang out with on Thursday.

So if you ask me if it’s worth it. If you ask me why I would deliberately go do something I know will cause me more than likely to be sick for days, that’s the answer….. She’s never left my side. She’s always tried to encourage me to come hang out just to get me out of my head space and while I do appreciate other human contacts, I don’t necessarily consider them friends.  For me they are more acquaintances because while everyone else will send me a message via Facebook or through word of mouth from someone else no one really ever takes the time just to see how I’m doing there’s never a knock at the door saying “hey just wanted to check in on you” or a phone call to simply say “hi sweetie I was just checking to see if you’re OK”. However this one family member of my husband who has grown to become a family member of mine has always been there even if it is just through Facebook, has always been there just to say “hey sweetie how do you feel today?” ” Hey sweetie I was hoping to see your face this weekend.”  While not all the time that we can’t go to see her or that part of the family has it been associated with my illness (there are certain times where either the car has fallen apart or my husband has been working on the weekends) she’s always been understanding and truly forgiving and truly patient with what I go through with my journey with my being sick.

Even though I am stuck in bed I still play with my makeup it’s just means that I’m in a full face of makeup in my hair’s done while I’m in pjs (don’t give me that face, there is nothing in the rule book that says you can’t wear makeup in pjs). I do this because makeup is my happy place, it’s what keeps me holding onto a person I once was. I know I’ll never be the person I was before I got sick but what this this illness can not take from me is my love for makeup, my love for a good book, my love for amazing music or for a cheesy B-roll Syfy or zombie flick , or the company of people who truly care about me.

Well that’s all for now, thank you so much for taking a peek inside this spoonie’s make up bag. To all my fellow spoonies, when the storm hits batten down the hatches grab that one activity that makes you smile and get to work. This illness only beats us if we allow to take everything from us. Hang on to the love ones that support you and love you immensely, grab that book that you  just can’t wait to find out what happens in chapter 3, pop in your ear buds and play the music you love the most as loud as you can, pop in DVD of killer Klowns from outer space and cuddle up with your boo your dog or just a very fluffy pillow and laugh at how funny movies from the eighties and nineties were, and never forget at the end of every storm there’s always an incredibly wonderful rainbow. And to all the non spoonies out there thank you from 1 spoonie to you, a dish ( which is what we call the people who support us the most)  for being someone’s life line. And until next time remember always reserve a spoon for a little bit of lip gloss.

I’m Affraid of Loosing Me

Published July 18, 2015 by aspooniesmakeupbag

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Today’s been very uneventful. I have been on bed rest all day because I have a family function tomorrow and what you will come to learn about spoonies is that all spoonies need to sort of bank some of those spoons, we would normally use during daily routines, for another day when we know we have a big day ahead of us.

Today my brother-in-law had a party for his twins for their birthday that’s coming up and I was able to come out and wish them a happy birthday and give them hugs and kisses and socialize for a couple of moments with some of the party guests, but for the most part I spent most of the day in bed.

It gets to be a little lonely, this  constantly having to rest so that you don’t over exert yourself. There a days where all I want to do is cry because being trapped in a bedroom almost 24 hours a day tends to weigh heavy on your heart. You think about all the world that is passing you by and all you can do is look out from your bedroom window,  from you bed shaped prison while everyone else around you is going about their days with their mundane tasks, their pressing errands, their lunch dates and just life in general.

I guess what keeps me feeling not as blue today is the simple fact that I get to spend the day tomorrow with people I haven’t seen for so long and I get to catch up with one of my fellow spoonies who is just going through so much and I really have not been able to be there for her the way I want to be because I’m sick too.

It’s important to know spoonie darling that while we do spend a lot of time in a sedentary lifestyle, there will be days when we will be able to feel that sun on our faces. If you take nothing else from my post please remember this one thing, please remember that (I promise you) there will be days when we will feel the sun on our faces. We have to take care in remembering that while we don’t get to experience life the way we used to before we took sick, we do get moments where the fibro fog lifts and we get to enjoy the  moments of pure clarity; the pain eases back a bit and we get to enjoy the moments of practically no pain; moments where no longer are we sidelined that we can walk around the mall just simply because the energy’s there.

Those are the moments that make our spirits soar. I know that sounds very cheesy but I mean think about it; how many reruns of Charms can we possibly watch day in and day out while we lay on the sofa waiting to regain our energy to continue cleaning or to continue cooking or to just simply have the energy level to walk the dogs around the block or be able to help our children with homework? I’d like to close this post with a message for the uninitiated into this little club that we all call personal hell. I ask you to just simply remember that we’re human too, we didn’t ask for this.

While it may be frustrating for you to have  the burden of running the entire household or running all the errands or just simply not being able to take a day off from work because now there’s only one income in the home, it’s just as frustrating for us, the initiated, to have to watch you go through all of it by yourself.

We’re trapped in a body that day by day betrays us in the most inhumane ways. We get to remember who we once were before we took  ill. We get to remember that we were able to run a tight ship in the household, power through every errand that was in front of us for the day, we got to make it to the PTA meetings remembering to bring the refreshments, too little Joey’s soccer games, we got to hold down the 9 to 5 job and bring home that bacon at the end of the week, and now… now  we only get to just remember what it was like to be able to accomplish even one of those things. We get to fall asleep in as much pain if not more than when we woke up that day. We get to go to sleep hoping that tomorrow we’re able to cross off more than just 2 or 3 things on the ever-growing list of things that is needed to be done around the house or needed to be done for week.

We get to hear about all the adventures that friends and other family members get to go on while we’re left on the sidelines. And while I know that deep down inside of you,  it gets very tiring of hearing us complain about the pain and hearing us complain about being lonely or left out we are , it’s still a reality… still part of who we are in this hodge-podge of a spoonie army.

And I know that it gets to be a little much hearing us whine and complain and that there are really other illnesses out there that are so much worse and  more horrible than what we may be going through, but we are still human and it’s not easy looking in the mirror everyday and not recognizing the person that is staring back at you.

And I know this seems like I’m asking for some sort of hall pass for bad behavior or poor attitude but I promise you I’m truly not,  I just need to be able to reach out to you so that you can understand what your mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, husband, wife, boyfriend girlfriend ,classmate, or even best friend from kindergarten may be feeling but out of frustration would rather just suffer with the pain in their hearts (that sometimes can be so much worse than any one of these invisible illnesses could ever cause) than to reach out and say hold me I’m scared or hold me I’m affraid of loosing me.

So to you, the uninitiated, if you take nothing else from this post please all I am asking is just to remember we are human too and that while we may not be able to explain how lonely or how frustrated we are it doesn’t make it any less of a true statement. Well that’s all for now.

Thank you for taking time to peek inside this spoonie’s makeup bag. Until next time to all my darlings spoonies out there remember … hope is just around the corner hang in there kid and always remember save a spoon for a little lip gloss.

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