Why hello there!!!  It’s been a while. I’ve been battling depression , some days the depression won but at this time I am feeling stronger.  I fell into a deep depression because I lost the matriarch of our family. The woman who was the glue of the family.

My wonderful grand mom, or as all of her grand children call her , Wella. She passed away on July 4th 2018. She was and will always be the love of my life.

The woman I am today is all because of her. She was the strongest, most caring, most  gentle human being on the planet.

Everything I am today I owe all to her.

I am left with the biggest hole in my soul. I miss her voice, her hugs, her presence. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through… I can’t get through this life without her. I just want to hear her voice one more time, hear her laughing ( she had the most amazing laugh, the kind of laugh that could brighten even the darkest of days) just one more time.

I break down at the smallest of things that come to mind. I still reach for the phone to call her. I still can’t reconcile the fact that she is really gone.

My next several posts will be about moments with Wella. I believe this will help me heal.

Watching her slip away was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. She wasn’t the vibrant woman who taught me how to make Spanish food  and would tease me about my booty. This was a frail slip of a woman in front of me. I prayed to be able to hear her voice. I prayed that she would open her eyes and smile at me.

When they finally took her off the ventilator She whispered that she loved me. That is what I hold on to… the fact that my beloved Wella was able to tell me she loved me before she slipped away.

We were told that she wouldn’t get better, so we decided to bring her home, that’s all she wanted was to come home to pass away in peace.

I held her hand and kissed her face, and prayed that she would gain consciousness, that she would open her eyes just one last time…. that she wouldn’t go. That somehow she would get better. I wasn’t (and still am not) ready to lose her.

As the sun set she passed away , peacefully in bed.

I felt like all the breath in my body had turned to ice. I watched as her children went about doing what was needed to take care of her final resting , numb and in denial. The air around me stale and harsh … the voices far away, the pain exploding in my body like a nuclear bomb went off. My soul screaming, pleading, bargaining for more time.

I watched as my baby sister fell apart. I watched as my cousin ( as I call her Prima Hermana …. translated that means Cousin Sister, and is used to denote a cousin who grew up as a sister to me) fell apart inconsolable. I watched all these thing through a fog of not understanding why this had to happen. I finally broke and cried, but I felt alone, even with so many loved ones around me …. I felt alone. Grief is funny that way. You could be in a room full of people who love you and yet feel as nothing and no one was there.

I watched as my baby sister and my Prima Hermana gave my Wella her final bath and change her clothes, before the funeral home came to take her away from us forever.  I wanted so badly to help, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t stop watching but I just couldn’t make myself move and reach out.

I watched as they came to take my Wella away from me. I heard my uncle say don’t watch this, But I couldn’t make myself turn away. I needed every second of her in my presence as I could get. When they placed a blanket over her loving face I felt my world slip from my grasp.

I just couldn’t deal with this. I started drinking to stay numb, I started sleeping long hours and sometimes all the day, I started pulling away from everyone. I was lost and falling through the abyss of life.  I would take extra medication to stay as numb as possible.

I just couldn’t deal with life.

 

 

 

A year after my world ended we celebrated her life and mourned her passing.   I wasn’t able to travel back home to be there in person, but my baby sister streamed the celebration for me.

Here I am living 990 miles away from all my loved ones. Feeling guilty for living so far away, feeling lost, feeling alone, feeling like my world is spinning out of control. Wishing that I could be around those who understand what it’s like with out my Wella.

My shrink finally adjusted my medication, this has helped my mental well being, but the hole in my soul is still growing at an exponential rate.

So here I am pouring out my heart to you all in an attempt to heal.

Life will never be the same, but life can get better and I don’t feel like I want to end it all anymore…. and my story isn’t over yet …. my story is just starting.